Jesse, you shouldn’t dip your pen in the company ink!

Was anyone really surprised to hear that the James/Bullock marriage was on the rocks, or just surprised that they actually made it to five years! Puh-lee-zee. Considering they first met on the set of the movie “Monsters Ball,” maybe it should have been a warning for Sandra Bullock. As, since becoming the “Monsters Bride,” she no doubt feels like she’s in her own horror movie, the one where she ends up married to a dopey tattooed moron who runs off with a gothic-looking woman heavily tattooed from head to foot, including forehead and nipples.

As the world’s only Infidelity Analyst, I wasn’t shocked at all - surprised for a New York minute maybe - but not shocked. Never shocked. Lets look at the facts here. When Sandra and Jesse met it would have been a novelty for both of them. Cutesy girl-next –door-type falls for bad-boy tattooed biker, one albeit with a seemingly gentle side (either that, or he’s just a little retarded) and in turn, said bad-boy feels validated by winning the affections of a wealthy, independent, attractive and ‘together’ actress. She represented the complete opposite of the life and the wife he had previously known. In short, he traded up to ‘normal’ and sadly she traded down. (Although, he’s been dubbed the “Vanilla Gorilla” by his mistress, for his prowess in the bedroom department, so, he must be doing something right to make up for any short-comings so to speak!)

Sandra was the big four-o at the time of meeting Jesse, five years older than his thirty-five years. She was unmarried, single and childless. Jesse was in the midst of dealing with the trauma of having an out of control, heavily tattooed, ex-porn star ex-wife – Janine Lindemulder - who was incarcerated for drug abuse, leaving him as a single parent. No doubt he was at a low-ebb at the time, his self-esteem taking a battering when being left to juggle child duties and court cases on his own. (Note to readers, nobody FORCED him to marry her, nor have a child with her.)

So in the beginning we had a new movie plot in the making: This time one of romance and redemption. Enter the protagonist, the Nation’s sweetheart Sandra Bullock, who, does certainly seem to have a way with her, always playing the role of a strong willed woman who ‘gets the job done’ in movies such as, “The Proposal”, “2 weeks notice” and of course, her latest blockbuster “Blind Side.” (I’m leaving out the whole “Miss Congeniality” debacle for the sake of her and this article). Our Sandra probably took pity on Jesse and offered up her toned shoulders for him to cry on, while selflessly offering to help him with his daughter too. What single father wouldn’t want that support! (Plus, didn’t he get a reality show out of it all? *rolls eyes*)

They were both needy for love and affection, and while she saw him as her ticket out of single-dom, he saw her as his life-raft to winning his child custody battle. I mean, how would the women who look like his ex, and his alleged mistress, have shaped up in the court hearings while he was trying to curry flavor with the child authorities. Should he have rolled up with a busty ‘inked woman’ on his arm, or the well-dressed and articulate Sandra Bullock? Tough one that, but we all know which one the judge would have favored, and so did cunning Papa Jesse. If Sandra showed up and believed in Jesse and his fatherly skills, I’m sure that had a bearing on the judge too. Hell, she even wrote a letter to the courts to vouch for Jesse (we have to assume that writing is not high on Jesse’s list.) Thus, with Sandra’s help Jesse did win custody of his daughter. But Jesse being a typical man, used her kindness to his advantage when it suited him – then did the dirty on her when he got bored.

Opposites do attract, but as with most novelties, they tend to wear off. There was a reason Jesse James’ ex-wife looks how she does... he married her because that’s how he likes them, and, if the latest stories are to be believed, then that’s how he still likes them. He has a thing for extreme women with tattoos; from his first wife to his alleged mistress. Him marrying Sandra was like “Pink” marrying Harry Potter, or “Travis” settling down with Reese Witherspoon. It’s just plain wrong.

Sandra and Jesse were a very odd match from the start, but, we all quietly wished her well, as you could see she was gushing at actually finding herself a man, as if she’d won some big prize, baggage and all, but, since he’d always seemed the ‘docile type of bad-boy’ (either that, or again, he’s simply a little retarded or partial to the odd drug or two) we gave her a pass.

Any woman will tell you that it’s hard to compete with an ex-wife or girlfriend/partner, especially if they have a child together, but here was poor Sandra competing with a wild ex-porn star, who was so wild she had it stamped all over her body. I felt pity for Sandra from the beginning, as come on, any new wife with a pulse couldn’t help but think about how hot and wild the sex must have been between these two, and then to be bringing up this woman’s kid too? Surely Sandra must have felt a little, well, errr, plain at times? I was always expecting ‘Sandy’ to break out and shock us all one day. For us to see a new Sandy with edgy hair, a few sharp tattoos and some skin-tight leathers. Alas, it never happened. She stayed the girl next door. Sadly that gets a little old when you are in your mid-forties!

The world of tattoos is pretty much alien to most of us, especially this extreme world where they wear them like a second skin. It seems like an underworld, a dark and intriguing sexually fascinating place that only members are allowed into. It almost holds a morbid fascination to a deviant unknown society. I myself am partial to the odd tattoo (on a man) and was recently with a guy who, when he took his shirt off, had a large tattoo on his chest (don’t ask me why he was taking his shirt off) and I have to say, it was a wonderful surprise!!!

It’s a well-known fact that most people who choose to maim their bodies with ink are usually angry at the world in some way. Thus, they naturally gravitate toward others of the same mind-set. They want someone who can ‘appreciate their art.’ Sandra was hardly in that league, and, since the apple never falls far from the tree, it looks like Jesse never gave up craving ‘his type.’ So, what started out as a novelty relationship with a conservative woman (and an instant mother-figure for his child) has now run its course for Jesse! Exit Sandra.

Women really need to learn a lesson from this, because our ‘Sister Sandra’ epitomizes women who marry men and hope to change them or fix them. She is the poster-wife for women who marry bad-boys thinking they can tame him. Well, breaking news ladies, generally bad boys stay bad. When you marry a bad-boy he comes with all the trappings of a bad boy. He may toe the line for a while, but simmering under the tattooed surface is his desire to be bad again, and, it always rears its ugly head in the end, trust me. And, as she was busy trying to change him, he would have been feeling suffocated and trapped. Men hate THAT. Women, wake up to that fact, please!

On top of the obvious physical differences between them, lets look at their lifestyles. Sandra Bullock is on the road a lot. Sandra is busy being Sandra, especially this year working very hard on the brilliant true story Blind Side. But, while that was her passion and her ‘baby’ it would have left poor needy Jesse James out in the cold. Maybe he was tired of the world having a piece of his wife, but not him. Maybe even jealous of all the attention she was getting too. I mean, who was satisfying his emotional needs and stroking his ego? He’s only human after all. The same thing happened with Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick. While she was busy investing her emotions into shooting the “Sex and the City” movie, making it the biggest thing in her life, her husband was undoubtedly starving for attention and affection and found both with a younger woman (allegedly), investing his emotions (amongst other things) into her! Men are always going to cheat if the opportunity arises, especially those who feel they are in competition with their wives, and especially those who feel they are in competition with the world for their wife’s affections.

When men get married they do so because they want to come home to someone. They simply want to eat, sleep and fornicate. When their other half is not there, but the affections of one of your inked tribe are at hand, I can see how Jesse could have been swayed. Men want their wives around, and women need to be around to quell their husband’s roving eye!!

I don’t doubt that Jesse loves and cares for Sandra, however, he was trying to be something he is not. Conservative! It seems that he has changed but she has stayed the same. Men need variety. That does not make it right when they cheat, nor do they all actually act on their impulses and desires, but often when they do it is because they need something new, or in Jesse’s case, something old, something attached to his old life.

I KNEW there was something a little off when watching Jesse at the Oscars. He not only seemed sheepish, as he gushed about his love for his wife and her achievements, but he also seemed emasculated. I mean here was Jesse James stuffed into a black dinner suit quietly watching his wife get all the glory. You could feel his pain of wanting to escape. Wanting to burst out of that suit like the hulk and jump into his leather pants and cropped t-shirt, blasting us his tattoos as he sped off on his Harley while giving us the finger. But no, he had become “Mrs. Sandra Bullock,” (yep, she couldn’t even take his surname. Why? – did she know it was a temporary thing I wonder).

Now to Sandra, and come on, I have to say, I’m sorry, but she looked so ‘homely’ at the Oscars; So very prim and proper with that perfectly sleeked down boring hair. That very forgettable pale lacy dress, and that acutely ageing blood-red lipstick! She looked 55 not 45!!! Women get real. If and when you decide to take on a bad-boy, God forbid marry him, you have to up your game. You have to live on the wild side a little. Yes, go get that tattoo. Go do something funky with your hair. Invest in some ripped clothes. Do something, otherwise it’s gonna get real old, real soon. Prevention is better than cure you know!

So lets not start going around saying, “How could he?” And, wow, “Who would cheat on Sandra, she has it all” – that’s rubbish. Nobody has it all, and, lust and love are simply in the eye of the beholder. Men are dogs, that’s a given, but she has to take some responsibility as she married a bad boy, she takes the consequences.

The irony of this whole story is that less than two weeks ago, Sandra Bullock had the world at her feet. She had finally won the biggest award in the movie world. Her stock worth had gone through the roof. But, and I hate to knock her when she’s down, while I do think she was great in Blind Side, I have to wonder if the Oscar was awarded her purely on her acting merit, or because it was such an inspiring feel-good movie, full of stero-typical American racial guilt, assuring it got the politically correct academy vote.

Either way, the ending of her own story is sad, because although Sandy won an Oscar, that has now been overshadowed by how and why her husband cheated on her. Oh and boy how he did. Reports are that he wooed the tattooed she-devil at his bike shop, aptly called “West Coast Choppers.” My advice to Jesse would be to keep his (by all accounts rather large) chopper in his pants from now on, as what happens in the bike shop obviously doesn’t seem to stay in the bike shop!

Throughout award season we had watched her drone on relentlessly about how wonderful her husband was, and he in turn singing her praises with mutual adorations. No wonder he looked like a deer in the Harley headlights at times. He knew the guilty pleasures he was hiding, and no doubt suspected them to be exposed soon after. They always are!

While the Oscar probably meant the world to Sandra at the time, it will have now paled into insignificance, with extra salt being administered into the gaping tinseltown wound by the fact that the most coveted movie award in the world is named after a man!!

As for Jesse James, after the hurt and humiliation he has caused America’s favorite girl- next-door, he probably really IS an outlaw and a WANTED MAN right now! He would do well to follow in the footsteps of his distant relative of same name, and, get the hell out of town!!