Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Relationships are as good as YOU make them!

Hi ALL......
With so many of you writing to ask me dating advice and relationship questions these days, I've decided to step-up the "Pillow Talk" blog a notch, so as to include EVERYONE, not just those suffering the effects of infidelity/those who want to know how to spot if their partners are cheating on them.

Being a reformed hell-raiser myself, I'm working hard on my own relationships, and I certainly know what NOT to do anymore, that's for sure! It seems these days though, we are all so busy trying to be "equal" with our partners, that many of us have lost the feminine qualities men look for. You only need to watch an episode of "Mad Men" to see what I mean. Men want to meet the woman of their dreams, not the bitch of their nightmares. Be that woman of his dreams.

Ladies, write to me if you want to know how to keep your boyfriend/husband/partner happy. It really is quite simple you know, I call it the "ESF Rule." More on that later, as well as tips on how to be the best woman you can - from the inside out, as that really IS what will eliminate the need for your other half to stray, you know. (That, as well as not nagging him so much of course :-).

Having had the privilege of working with so many of you, helping you get out of your dysfunctional relationships, and into healthy ones, I've had a lot of experience with it all, especially over the past year. Who knows, maybe I'll even start the "Pillow Talk Dating Agency" soon, the way it's going, as SO many of you tell me it's hard to meet decent single men and women these days! (Could I join my own agency? LOL)

Send me your relationship questions by leaving a comment on this blog. No problem too big or too small here at Pillow Talk. I'm here to inspire you all to live your best lives.

Come on, what are you waiting for? It's a new year. Make it the best one of your life!! Out with the old ways of behavior - if they are not working - and in with the new. Stop "settling" for your lot. Relationships should be a joy, not a burden remember!!

Sarah J. x


Anonymous said...

hi sarah
iam seeing my ex husband after17years
do you think it can ever work

Sarah J. Symonds said...

Hi Anon
Well, the answer is, yes, but only if you BOTH want it to. I don't know 'why' he is your ex, but you (both) must remember what those reasons were/are. They are important to remember (write them down) so that you don't get carried away with the excitement, only to crash and burn later on!

Also, I would advise you be completely truthful with each other. The truth is therapeutic. We all make mistakes, but the truth can stop you making them a second time with each other.

You both will need to conquer some demons though, as, whatever led you to part and divorce, may rear it's head again, and although you both might 'think' some issues are forgotten and out of sight, they may cause havoc later on in some other form, either directly, or indirectly, in your lives.

I don't hear from many women who get back with their ex-husbands, but when I do, I mostly hear that they had 'married too young,' or they are now in 'a different place and both want the same things,' whereas they didn't used to. *Sometimes they say they just want to get back with him to prove they can :-P

Whatever your reasons, be true to yourself, and if you are both willing to start with a clean slate, and not bring your pasts into your present, then yes, it has every chance of working. Good luck and keep me posted. Now, go make up for all that lost time :-)

Sarah J. x

Chicken :) said...

No question here, just I love the idea of your Dating Agency. You could have the category for SDM too. :)
I think the key to making your partner happy, is to be just like the other woman would be. If they are getting that at home, they are less likely to go out side.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah.. I am a 38 yr old woman, who has been having an affair with a married man for 3 yrs. I caught him cheating on me (big surprise) a few days ago. I got so emotional and angry that i called his wife, and told her everything. I knew that by calling her, it would put an end to him and i, without a doubt, and i was so ready to do that. I have lost so much of myself. Most times i think that i am going insane, and that i will never get out of this disaster. I finally broke free, but now i have to find a way to get my confidence, and self esteem back. It was hell doing this for 3 years, and wonder what is wrong with me to let him use and abuse me for this long. I feel ashamed and broken..

Sarah J. Symonds said...

Dear newly ex-mistress,
So you found Mr Wonderful cheating on YOU as well as his wife eh? Nice! Ugh!! What happened when you called the wife? No doubt she will stay with him no matter what though!

You need to get to one of my Mistresses Anonymous meetings asap sister!! It is a 12 step program and will help get you back on your feet and realize how you need to make up for all the time you lost over the last 3 years!!

I hold the meetings at 5.30pm EST daily and the link is http://livestream.com/uk2la/old

Prepared to be empowered! And, I am SO proud of you for getting out sister! Now you have to stay out and not let him try to work his way back into your life with his lies and empty promises.

Sarah J x

Sarah J. Symonds said...

Chicken, well said sister. We are singing off the same hymn sheet. As for an SDM category, sure.....but lets try to up the game on our criteria of him eh? Based on your "research" on SDM's so far!! :-) LOL LOL LOL

See you at MA soon

Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah.

I had an affair with a married man which lasted a couple of years. I ended up emailing his wife letting her know of the affair and cut my ties with this man whom I truly loved. After 14 months of our "separation" I called him up again as I missed him only to learn that he and his wife have been physically separated for a year now. They remain in the same house for the sake of their kids. The MM has always had a separate bedroom from his wife so the kids are unaware of the lack of a physical relationship between the parents. I again started seeing this MM and realize I still love him. He is certain now that he will leave his wife but is not sure when. He claims he cannot see a future with his wife after his kids have left the house. He tells me he loves me and wants a future with me. I believe him but am not sure if I am being stupid doing so. I tried moving on with another man during our separation but I still had this MM in my heart. Am I being an idiot?

Sarah J. Symonds said...

Sister you are being a HUGE idiot I am sorry to say. This man is STILL playing you. Trust me there is NO separate room thing going on at all!! If he really wanted to have been with you he would have done it last time when you had the affair. He is simply using you as a crutch in his albeit not perfect marriage. As for leaving when the kids are older...*yawn!!*

Get out sister and live life with an available man whom you are NOT waiting around for. This man is truly playing you.

Come to a mistresses anonymous group meeting tonight if you can? 5.30pm EST, here is the link

Be strong. Writing to me was the first sign that you know you want and deserve more than this selfish man is giving you. He is NOT physically separated from her at all LOL. Under the same roof? Give me a break. Wow this man IS good with his lies. Pathetic!

Sarah J x

Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah,

My situation is a little different... Ive never told anybody about this so its soo strange writing it....
- I'm 30
- He's 50
- He's in the unhappy marraige of 25 years.
- I'm in a 4 month 'proper' relationship.

I'm seeing my MM for 3.5 years. He knows of my relationships as I dont expect he'll ever leave his wife and told me at the start he wouldnt. So we had an understanding. Now is a little different. He talks of the future and the 'imagine ifs' etc.

We get on super. I dont expect i'll ever click with anyone like we have. We get each other back on track during 'off' days, support each other during the rocky times with work etc and listen and talk to each other all day every day.

So my other relationship is ALSO a little different.... i'm with a man that cheated on his ex with me for three months until I found out and broke up. We got back together after a 5 month break up (and his subsequent break up with his ex). His dad died just before we met the first time and he claims he just lost it for a while. Hes been 95% since we got back together but the trust is broken and I find myself questioning everything he says. Phone always on silent and some little things like that are dead giveaways right? But I cant jump to conclusions either... he says hes afraid that she'll ring. Ive told him if she does I want him to take the call, in front of me and if I suspect anything else im gone! Bit of a hypocrit I know.

So you can see that its all a bit dysfunctional but I truly could not imagine my life without my MM.. the phonecalls, the texts, i've grown to rely soo much on these. I'm in really deep here!!! We dont just see each other for sex, we strategise with work, we run through presentations, we debate whether an account is worth going after etc.... its a proper relationship (in a dysfunctional way!!!)...

At first it was an affair and I know he didnt feel or fall for me but now its more, I know he loves me but his kids are his world (cliche cliche cliche).. but ive a few years to wait if its him I want. We've tried the breaking up thing and the two of us are a mess.

Does the trust ever grow back? Am i ruined for life? The amount of men (and women) that are at it is unbelieveable!! I dont think i'll ever marry or trust anyone 100%. Ive heard all the lies and dont know if I can ever truly believe that one man for life will ever be possible again.


Ssarah J. Symonds said...

Dear Mistress who needs help!
Yes you DO. You are surrounded by such dysfunction and chaos that your self-esteem must be at zero. I can only assume because of that you can't actually see how dysfunctional it all is!

Neither of these men have any character or integrity as a real man does not cheat.

Why oh why be with someone who has proven you can't trust them and whom you feel you have to check up on. That's not a way to live.

I suggest you read my book, and come to a mistresses anonymous meeting as soon as you can, so as to equip you with the tools you need to empower yourself and leave BOTH these men behind and do some work to rebuild YOU. It is possible to find decent men who won't cheat, but you are so blinded by cheating ones that it will take some work to not bring that thinking into future relationships.

Good luck and stay strong
Sarah J.

Anonymous said...

My husband of 14 years is disabled and I am the sole support. I have no sexual desire for him at all. (I feel like his caretaker.) Six months ago I started having an affair with a business client (divorced - not in a relationship) of mine and the more I am with him the more I want to be with him. However, when I think of leaving my husband I feel guilty as I am his sole support.

Any recommendations?

Sarah J. Symonds said...

Hi Sister
You will never often hear me condone an affair, but in your very sad case I think that as a fellow female, and a 100% human being, I would have to say that you have to do what you have to do in order to function and to be able to deal with the very tough life and responsibility you have on your hands with your husband.

What does the man you are having an affair with say about all of this? Is this just a fling for him or is he asking to have a future with you?

I notice I missed you at the MA meeting last night. We will be in there again tonight from 5.30pm EST if you are around...

Sarah J x