Monday, January 11, 2010

"Oh Come All Ye Unfaithful!"

Dear all,
I would normally just say "Dear Sisters" as you know, but, it has come to my attention that many men read my blog these days too. Men who are either of the "cheating married man variety," or the "Other Man" having an affair with a married woman, or just guys who seek my relationship advice on issues in their relationships with their girlfriends (and sometimes even their boyfriends!!)

So, things are getting busy here at Infidelity HQ. Especially with the latest affair scandal to rock the political world in the UK; that of the Ireland's First Minister's wife - Mrs. Iris Robinson - who was having an affair with a boy of nineteen years old, while she was nearly sixty!! (yes you did read that right!!). To add to the ick factor, it is alleged she had up to three more affairs (well there is never just one is there) one of them being with the 19 year old's late father........Ugh!! With both Mr and Mrs Robinson having 'stepped down' now, things are pretty stormy over at Stormont to say the least!

As the world's only Infidelity Analyst, I'm being asked to comment on that story daily, but I will always have time for my sisters and our daily Mistresses Anonymous chapter group meetings...
As usual, they start daily at 5.30pm EST and here is the link to attend.

MA is like AA, it will help you end your addiction to a toxic part of your life (i.e. a relationship with a married/unavailable person). It is complimentary to attend, and liberating to be with others in your situation. All this from the comfort of your own home. Oh, and if you are going through a bad time, at least at "MA" you can have a drink :-)

See you later
Sarah J. x


akanksha said...

who says affairs with married men are all bad? some of these posts sound so bitter and twisted, thats because you allowed yourself to get carried away and fall in love. Ive been seeing my MM for a year, his unavailability is just part of the parcel i signed up for. I dont want someone full time. This is by far the best relationship Ive ever been in, and if hes cheating on me, so what? I dont own him. I dont expect anything apart from being his priority when he comes around. I dont care about his life away from me, im too busy with my own life to worry about that, yes he tries with all the lies but i just stop him in his tracks, its purely sex with no strings and I couldnt be happier. This site makes it sound like you are victimised/traumatised. I feel sorry that you dont understand hes not interested in anything apart from a bit on the side, once you get that, i think that removes alot of hurt and bitterness. Why wait around christmas or any other day? go out and get a life! dont worry about what hes doing, I didnt, i knew he was having a good time with his family, and thats good, just as he is happy when Im happy. They say theres no future in this relationship, but there is not necessarily one with an available man either, no garauntee he will be faithful either. This affairs workin' for me. Dont care if it end tomorow, theres always someone else...

Sarah J. Symonds said...

Dear Akanksha

Sounds like you are in control of the situation and your emotions, and everyone has to do what is right for them, and answer to themselves. If things turn sour you are welcome to come to an MA meeting. In the meantime, you might want to read my book, as at least if you don't want to get out of it, my book will help you stay sane and make you realize that he is using you and he is the one having it all.

As for there being no future with these types of relationships, that is absolutely right. You sound like you don't want one with anyone except yourself right now though, so if this is what you are accepting - the crumbs of someone's time - good luck to you. With an available man there is a chance of a future - but you sound very bitter and twisted about that, so maybe you have been hurt too many times and have resorted to settling for a married man rather than working on a relationship that could have a future. Sounds like you have some low self esteem issues going on too.

Nothing in life is guaranteed, you are right. However, in an affair it is guaranteed that it will be a dead-end relationship forever.


OM said...

I read an article about this support group in the newspaper this morning at the breakfast table, and decided I'd check it out. Pink backgrounds and inflammatory comments aside, I was a bit surprised to have not found the one thing I'd come here looking for.

(there was also an article there about cheating women and which women are more likely to cheat, but I digress.)

Allow me to explain first that I am neither a 'mistress' nor an 'MM,' and I am not intent on making an argument for either side. In fact I come from a camp that is similar to some of the women commenting on this page. I am 23 years old, and I am the Other Man.

I have had a long series of relationships that were comprised almost exclusively of 'taken' women (though not entirely by choice). Of these relationships, one woman was married, two were engaged, and the remaining either had live-in boyfriends (a sort of 'challenge' for our midnight trysts) or men they cared for deeply.
Despite these facts, some of my previously engaged love interests have continued seeing me behind the backs of their significant others longer than any already-committed person should. As a result, I have watched true love dissolve and seen year-long engagements crumble -- and in some cases, while I was even in the same room.

I come from a family where divorce is common if not rampant; most couplings in my family tend not to last longer than a few years or a few children. Even my grandparents have separated at least once and have chosen to remarry or remained single. As you might assume, my opinion of marriage is by no means a pleasant one. Despite my skepticism of holy matrimony I'm not entirely naive; I at least recognize the importance of marriage, the attractive life of security and love it brings.

Who wouldn't want that?

In my opinion, all of that stuff just makes a person more inclined to do what they want. It doesn't make a lick of difference whether you're an MW or an MM: to resist the attraction of security in favour of something as selfish as an illicit romance is, to a degree, simply human. It may not be humane, but it is human.

I believe that these MW/involved women were solely responsible for their choice to be with me regardless of their significant others (as I wasn't always privy to that sort of information). I was foolish enough to love and trust them -- we all make mistakes -- but I know deep down that I shouldn't have. The very fact that it is forbidden is what makes this sort of fruit so damn desirable.

But while I do not regret my actions, I have been good at owning up to them. I've taken my fair share of comeuppance, paid for in the currency of blackened eyes and busted noses and, sometimes, the occasional fractured heart. I don't pine or complain, I don't waste time asking why. And I don't find it particularly difficult to move on.

I like to think that all this nonsense is behind me now. I realized that I had been an accomplice to heartbreak for far too long. Knowing all too well its familiar sting, I could no longer justify being a distributing agent of that kind of personal anguish.

Like some Mistresses, I confess to sharing a sense of bitterness that goes hand in hand with a heap of unanswered questions (some moments really do make it all seem real and not just an aberration of monogamy, don't they?).

But, take responsibility. Own up to it. If you find yourself pointing the finger at someone who was unfaithful and got involved with, don't be selfish and just assume you're the only one left hurt in the wake of someone else.

Think of the person they lie to every day. Think of that poor soul left to lie awake at night, wondering where he or she might be. Think about how you'd feel, never knowing, always cold.

Sarah J. Symonds said...

Dear 23 year old "OM"
Sounds like we have a lot in common, and you write well too :-)

If you ever feel like dating single women let me know :-)

In the meantime, come share some views at a Mistresses Anonymous group one evening. Link is on my home page.

Thanks for writing. I don't hear from many OM - especially not 23 year old ones!!!

Hopefully you will find your Mrs Right one day, if you ever decide you want to settle down that is.

Sarah J.

Anonymous said...

We all feel that way in the beginning, give it 3 or 4 years, and I bet your attitude will change. Write us again in 2013. We will be here for you when the pain begins.

KSAUK said...

i don't really know how to go about this but i want to join your group Sarah.


KSAUK said...

hi sarah,

i don't know how t go about this but i'd like to join your group.


Sarah J. Symonds said...

Hi Ksauk
Have you written to me before? Are you the 'Other Woman?'

Anyhow, here is the link, and group starts at approximately 5.30pm EST daily.

See you there.
Sarah J.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post:

Dear Sarah,
DR Phil's show just aired on South Africa's SABC 2 Channel. I happened to be sick today and could not go to work. Hence; I watched the show. I am and still believe that I am an honest man, a gentleman, truth – is important to me, yet, I am very open minded to matters related to social. I think Dr Phil crucified you, however; I do believe that you asserted yourself in a manner that men like me’ could comprehend your feelings, desires and hurt resulting in the very reason, these things are happening to you all. I have never ever cheated on any women in my entire life. I married a beautiful women I believe to this day was part of my journey. I still believe that infidelity is a choice, but being a full blown drug addict once (during my marriage), I understand your argument of men lying to such an extent that you DO NOT know whether we are lying or not.

I have been separated for almost 2 years now, never cheated though. I only went out to look for women (of which I found) many times to fill that void “after she left” that you all were talking about. My wife said she loved me, but she never showed it to me, she thought that her buying a car, or ensuring that weekends we get to go watch a movie was what I wanted. Hell NO! I wanted love; that is why I married her with the intensions that I will love her forever and grow old with her. I agree with you that the moment our wives in the 21st century do not act in accordance with what makes a man love a women based on her appearance, emotional intelligence, and the way she conducts herself socially will ultimately be the demise of any marriage.

I believed in marriage once before. I do not anymore as a result of what happened in my marriage. The point I am trying to make is that, I understand what you are going through, but also believe that you have choices in life. Take it from my side; I went through all this hurt with my wife leaving me knowing that I had a hand full of beautiful women wanting me DURING MY MARRIAGE but I choose in love to my wife and the sanctimony of marriage NOT TO PERSUE! It is a choice. I then after months of living in my marital home (hoping she would return) left the house. 2 years later, I now live at the coast, back in corporate, still single hoping for new love, but am happy. Think about your happiness. Infidelity is as much an addictions as drugs. It all makes us unhappy.

MAKE that decision to find the right single man from day one, and slowly UNIVERSALLY you shall remove yourself from the old practices that you normally find yourself in; and live and a long life with a man that will adore you. After all, you are a beautiful women; what is stopping you in finding love the old fashioned way? THINK ABOUT THIS QUESTION. I had no desire to go back to my wife, because I knew I was unhappy with her. The relevance of my situation with yours is very much the same, if we look good for you, then we DESIRE you to look good for us, this keeps us wanting you more and more every single day. The importance however; for me- is that MEN will cheat if they feel unhappy in their marriage. Been there, wanted to do that! (and I have morals and principles), she however, just left. In a nutshell I understand what you are trying to say.

I am 32 years old, with a bright future at the coast lying ahead for me. Your show on Dr Phil, confirmed to me the man I really am, and that is gentle to the feelings of a women. We as men, just wish sometimes it could be the same vice versa. Go well.

Sarah J. Symonds said...

Dear "Anonymous in South Africa,"

Although I'm not glad you were sick today, I am glad you caught the show. Thank you for writing such a lengthy comment. I appreciate your honesty and sharing your story/journey, especially from the male point of view.

You are totally right about infidelity being a choice. And, nobody can force a man to cheat on his wife, he has to want to - or hopefully NOT want to. So many men run to another woman when they have problems with the one that they married, which ultimately only makes MORE problems, and then drags another woman into it too!

I respect the fact that you chose not to cheat on your wife, and even though your marriage is over, at least you can say you tried your best. That's all any of us can do. Maybe things have a habit of turning out the way they should too, and as painful as it seems at the time. Many people do marry the wrong man/woman and for all the wrong reasons. We are all only human and do make mistakes and the wrong choices at times, but the key is to recognize that and to get out in a timely manner, aiming to cause as least upset and disruption to the kids as possible, if there are any involved.

As for Dr. Phil, nah don't worry about him. Takes more than a few harsh words to crucify me, especially from a man who had an affair himself and actually married his mistress all those years ago (i.e. now his wife, Robin) and the fact that he had me on the show 3 times in the last 4 months proves that I annoy him enough to get me back. One of the shows we did got him his highest ratings of all his shows last season, so I think we are good. Controversy gets ratings you know :-)

Oh, and the single man?? Yes, that would be nice. Doubt I will ever meet 'the one' though. And anyway, right now I am busy trying to help women (and some men) not make the same mistakes that I did. If a decent man comes along it would be nice, but my purpose is to help others right now.

Hope I get to hear from some of my South African sisters now that I know the show aired there today.

Take care, and good luck on your search for your soul mate.

Sarah J.

KSAUK said...


Strangely enough i'm one of the ones who happened to watch you on DR Phil in South Africa this morning.It's strange because I work in the UK,within the Armed Forces and just happened to be home on leave visiting my parents, as South Africa is where I was born and raised.I don't normally watch day time TV but it was a miserable day and as I'm trying to relax I thought I'd flick through the channels.I stopped on Dr Phil as soon as I saw what was being discussed.
I was the OW.Twice.Once a few years ago to a man i didn't know was married and as soon as I did I ended it and more recently to a man who I work with that has been with his girlfriend for the last 7 years and with whom he lives.
When I met him I didn't know and we just clicked. He was the perfect man to me although older by 12 years.I didn't try it on with him.Never let him know how I felt,if anything when people within our work saw us working together,eventhough that's all we were doing,and made comments about us getting together I always denied there could be anything between us because of his girlfriend and because I believed I was batting way above my league with him.
Then he left our work as he was only there temporarily. although I constantly thought about him,I would have got over it but then came the phonecalls which were just on a friendly basis but it suddenly gave me false hope.We made plans to meet up weeks later and although at the time I just thought I was the luckiest girl ever,I was under no false pretence that this man was going to give up everything he had to be with me.I wouldn't have let him, especially knowing that he left the girlfriend before the one he's with now to be with her.I knew I'd just be the OW for as long as I put up with it.
we carried on the phonecalls and sms's but it got to the point where he'd have to get off the phone in case she caught him and I couldn't live like that.On the 31December just gone I was at work and got a missed call from him and when I got chance to phone him back I could tell it was starting to get awkward. I ended it for good,keeping a calm voice and tone,hoping I could start 2010 fresh and worry free.he agreed without argument after I explained why I couldn't continue the charade and hated what we were doing to his girlfriend. when I said goodbye and the phonecall had ended I broke down big felt like I'd lost a piece of me. my heart was shattered and I knew then I must have loved him dearly because the thought of not being able to talk to him again crushed my world.
It hasn't effected my work or time with friends or anything,but I suffer if I'm alone. I can't believe I got so close to this man,especially since I was in a relationship and lived with someone for 2 and a half years, whom I loved so much I turned a blind eye to his constant unfaithfulness.I knew about every other girl he was seeing.I once even helped one of them,cooked her dinner and let her stay over at our place as she had no where else to go unbeknown to me that she was sleeping with him. It took a lot for me to finish that relationship and it left me with very low self esteem believing that no one could love me. I've gone out with other guys since but only for very short times and they've ended for different reasons.
I was getting better and am completely over the Ex now, but the latest situation has not made me feel much more confident in the love department.
I'm glad I saw Dr Phil this morning. that's the first time I've been able to speak to anyone about it for fear that people would shun me.
It's relieving to know there are other people in my situation, women or men.
I'm almost 25 years old and I just wish I could find a guy who can put up with my career and love me for who I am.

Thanks for reading this.