Sunday, March 23, 2008

Mistresses Anonymous

Dearest "sisters" - I just want to thank you all, so much, for the daily deluge of emails and letters you send, asking for my advice on how to best conduct your affairs - or often - how to get out of them while still remaining sane!  Sadly, this past week, I have been hearing from too many of you who have been 'dumped' when your MM's wife has found out about you (or when you have told his wife about the affair yourself, as I did) and you are breaking your hearts.  Well DON'T - he is not worth it - and this is why I tell you NEVER fall in love with your married man.    

I do read all of your emails and I answer each and every one of them as quickly as possible, personally. Thank you for so candidly sharing your stories with me.  Some of them heartbreaking, many of them frustrating, most of them familiar!  I have been through a lot and have come out the other side.  I can help you, as I know how you are feeling, and I know you have no one to talk to about this.  The other woman has few sympathetic ears to turn to!

I'll need my own radio show soon, just as I had in Los Angeles, to be able to deal with the amount of juicy information that comes to me.  I'm working on it sisters.  Stay tuned. We need a support group - and I am here for you to make it happen.  After all, this is such an intriguing topic, and since writing my book, I have uncovered a whole secret society of "other women" who need me.  I will be the "Peoples Mistress" for all of you who don't have a voice.

Keep the faith
Sarah J. x

51 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I am so glad to see that you started a blog. I just found your book in December about a week after I decided to tell my MM's wife all about his extra-marital activities.

I am still processing all that has happened and find it highly interesting that after telling his wife, he not only doesn't hate me but it seems he wishes he could contact me again.

Fortunately for me, he wasn't the only man in my life and I reunited with my other ex.

Still, the entire experience has been surreal.

Thank you for writing what you did and for blogging. I look forward to reading more.

Anonymous said...

Sarah,

I also am very glad that there is a place where we women can come and talk about what has happened in our lives regarding MM. I also am married and got into a relationship with a MM that I had known from decades ago. I fell in love and after a few months, his wife found out that something was amis. Now he has cut me off.
The hurt is tremendous and I am left with the addiction to his emails.
We need more of the videos of your group meeting with Mistresses.
Please continue your work!
Princess

Anonymous said...

I'm watching you on Dr. Phil right now. I've been "the other woman", but felt terrible about it and it's something that my conscience could never let me do again. I understand where you're coming from but I really hope that you listened to and took to heart what the women in the audience were saying.

Anonymous said...

I was a mistress who is still dealing with the pain of losing him and giving a very important part of myself to him. My current boyfriend was married when we met and was very unhappy and got enough guts to leave her. I think it was more because of his own unhappiness instead of me. It is crazy because sometimes I wish the other man would have done it for me instead. I still miss what we had and feel totally bad about feeling this way and taking away from the boyfriend I have now. I just hope I can get over my ex lover and friend. It is hard when you are a mistress in love.

Anonymous said...

It amazes me how married women always want to point the figure at the mistress instead of their husbands and themselves. I understand that the wives are hurt and the mistress is too (the one that falls in love). I am so happy to finally see on tv, women who are putting the truth about the infidelities of these lying married men.

Anonymous said...

The woman in the audience is 100% correct. You have no right to endulge with a married man. Does not matter what his circstamces may be: he is off limits and you are only making youself worthy of only fantasy. Get a rel life and stop ruining families. You make women look bad. You are ignorant if you can't tell if he married. BS.

Anonymous said...

Hello,
I'm married woman and I think all other "women" are insecure and selfish. If in fact you were giving a man what he was not getting at home, why is it that most men never leav their wives for the other woman? Have you ever heard of the 80/20 rule. The other woman is the 20%, where as the wife is the 80%. So in essence they don't leave because the other woman is not worth the over all risk of what he has at home, but as long as she's insecure, he'll have enough hold on her to get what he wants, then he'll move on to the next, yet never leaving his wife. Women set the tone for relationships. When you settle for being "a piece on the side", that's all you'll ever be in his eyes. You did not demand respect, and he'll never give it to you.

Mis Understood said...

HI, got ur blog info form Dr. Phil's site, happened to see the preview for today's show but missed it.
I am currently struggling on why I only attract MM. I am involved with 1 MM for about a year now. I go into these relationships with my heart at the doorstep. I am in the progress of dating another. I will be a faithful reader and commenter on this site.

Anonymous said...

Why is it that the other woman thinks the man is not happy at home because he has sought them out? I'm watching Dr. Phil and you, say well, please your man at home and he wouldn't come to me. But yet you previously stated men lie to the other woman also. Why is you think you can pick and choose what he's lying about. A lot of men are happy at home, yet they are selfish and in their mind cheating is just "sex" where as the other woman is emotionally attached. Which is actually pretty common for a woman to equate sex with love. So, if the other woman was giving him everything he needed, WHY DOESN'T HE LEAVE HIS WIFE for the other woman? It amazes me the other women say they are hurt!!! Why in fact are you hurt when you went into the relationship with all the information, A-he is married. B- he is married. C-he is still married, and the other woman thought what?????? Have you ever heard if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you. If you allow yourself to be the other woman, it is truly because of something within YOURSELF; an insecurity, maybe even a childhood trauma. But please stop thinking that you're giving men something they are not getting at home. All you're doing is giving them sex. sex that they are getting at home. sex that they'll get when they leave you and are on with the next. you don't need a support group, you need THERAPY to fix your inner self, so you'll stop settling for less, and pray that when you find a MAN you can actually call your own, he won't cheat on you!

Gail said...

You may attract them because you are happy to give them what they think they are missing. Take it from me, they never leave their wife for you. They think that sex is all important until they realise they may lose their family and then you are tossed aside like. They think of you as a free prostitute. Think about it, do you give him the BJ he so longs for? Do you have sex whenever you see him? His wife doesn't do that because she is too busy keeping the family, home, job, and countless other things going. He will leave you and not look back.

Gail said...

Glad to see that you let "the wife" blog on this site. I have been the other woman, 22 years ago. I did not offer sex to the MM I was seeing, he was with me for three years and then decided to leave his wife for me. Once he had seperated and we made plans to marry, our relationship became sexual. We did not marry.
My current husband just cheated on me and I know how heartbroken his OW must be because she said she loved him. She asked him why he would not leave me and be with her and he told her he used her to find out what he really wanted in life. We are working on our marriage and it is the hardest thing we have ever had to do. She is left with nothing and I am glad.

amanda said...

I'm watching you on Dr Phil and I can relate to all of the guests.
I myself am involved with a mm, the different and difficult part is
That it's me he's married to. We separated about 7 years ago and have
Both been in relationships with other people. He has promised over
And over that he will be with me. He has recently had his live in g/f move out.
I'm tired of the lies, the promises and the sick feelings that I get.
The truly difficult part is I love him. I do empathize with you all.
These things are never easy.

rosa said...

Hello Sarah,

I am so pleased to hear what you and the other ladies had to say on the Dr Phil show today.

I've been a mistress for three years now. No regrets. No shame. He stays married but does not participate in marriage. He hasn't for over ten years. He is in a cohabitational situation for the needs of their children.

She knows of me and about me. She tolerates me because I fill that void in his life and that I do not want to be his wife. She has no interest in loving him but wants all the rest that a "husband" provides. Money, status, father to the kids, home, etc. I do not need or desire these things.

I do not wish to be married. That is why he is a perfect fit for me. He fills that need/void in my life without overwhelming and taking over my way of surviving.

I was married for 23 years and widowed when I was 40. I am one of those lucky people that had a true love and will forever be blessed. I now have a lover and best friend and once again I'm lucky and blessed to have that in my life.

I do worry what will happen once the kids are grown and gone. He is already preparing for a divorce and looking to me as his next wife. My heart is badly scarred and not able to fully love again. If fear it will be the end of us because I cannot commit. Losing my husband was like being taken from nirvana and sent to the middle of the Sahara. No means of surviving or knowing how to learn. I will never put myself in that place again.

Please keep sharing with all of us who are a mistress. You have found a place for women to give and receive help for an extremely difficult pain.

Anonymous said...

My husband has been incapable of sex for a long time. I thought I could replace that part of what was missing from my marriage, it has turned out to be more complicated than that. I chose married men, figuring that we both had something to lose, so that would be safer for me. 6 guys later, I keep falling in love when I swear every time I wont. I wish I knew what to do.

robyn said...

hello,
i'm waching you on dr phil I'm in serious need for advise.I've been in this relationship for 12yrs. his wife finds out, he slows down a little then comes back.I'm affraid I'll hurt myself just to get out of my pain.I'm ashamed to talk to my family.they thought it's been over. I keep getting sucked back in ,on my own doing.
HELP. robm16@hotmail.com

Anonymous said...

I just saw you on Dr. Phil. I have to say I am disgusted by you.

Your stupid last three thoughts to cheat proof a marriage?
1) give them lots of sex
2) stay up late, even if you’re tired, so you can listen to their problems from their day. Do not burden them with your problems.
3) always look your best for them

While I don’t have a problem with #’s 1 & 3, so much – the whole idea of number 2 pisses me off.

So your version of a wife’s role? Be a homemaker, pick up after him, take care of his kids, stay home while man goes out and has fun, be a maid/laundress/mommy. KEEP IT ALL INSIDE so the man doesn’t have any stress at home, because -omg- he might need a mistress to relieve his fucking stress. Always be beautiful and funny and available for sex or to be a sounding board.

As a wife who is raising five children under the age of 12, two of them my husband’s from a previous marriage and one we share – after doing homework, listening to fighting, trying to get them to do their chores all while making dinner and trying to do laundry or straighten up – I can tell you the very last thing I feel like doing after my husband gets in from his Masonic meetings / hunting / shooting / hanging out with friends is being a pillar of sexy, warm, willing woman. Every so often, sure – every day? It’s exhausting and there is not enough support coming from him.

Your attitude totally disgusted me.

I bet you don't post this.

Anonymous said...

I am watching the show and thinking about my own involvement with married men ... I have three married lovers and I tend to prefer this kind of arrangement because there are no strings ... my lovers take me out and we enjoy some intimacy and then he goes home and I have peace in my life ...

I do not let myself get too close emotionally ... we keep it to a friendship level ... I know it could end any time ... either because my situation changes or he has a change of heart ... one of my lovers will tell me that this time is the last time because he knows what he is doing is wrong ... but a few weeks later he is hoping to see me again ... I learned to not invest too much emotionally ...

Anonymous said...

Well, I was just watching Dr. Phil and was a little disturbed. I personally prefer to date married men. But not because I want them to buy me things or take care of me. I prefer married men because there is no committment, I don't feel tied down, they can't tell me what to do. I have NEVER asked none of the men I dated to leave their wives. That was not an option for ME. And I have never had any one of these men to pay me for being with them..I'm not a hooker nor a homewrecker. I would not feel comfortable accepting money that I know should go to the wife and children. I would totally be emotionally disconnected from them. Mind you, I also prefer a law enforcement marreid man, because like that I knew they could not go Psycho on me. The longest relationship I had with a married man lasted about 13 years and we are the best of friends. It's not always about sex. I would always tell him to be good to his wife and spend quality time with her and the children. Weekends were off limits..those days should be spent with their families not me, as I have a social life of my own that does not include them.

Anonymous said...

I have been seeing a married man for 1 year and 4 months now. I lost my previous 11 year relationship because of it. He found out and even though I was willing to change my ways and work on our relationship, he didn't want to do that. So, I continued seeing the MM. He pursued me for about a year before I gave in. He didn't stalk me or anything like that, but he would leave cards on my car, messages on my phone, and always make it a point to talk to me when he saw me. On my birthday, he sent me a dozen red roses to my work. I talked to several mutual friends and they all told me that he had had affairs before so I knew this going in and he didn't lie to me about that. In the beginning we both agreed that we were not going to leave our partners, but in my case...mine found out. He was very supportive during the whole breakup. Since then our relationship has grown tremdously. Most of my family knows about him and my daughters love him. We have gone on little mini vacations, sporting events, etc together. He is very open in our town about us. When he are together in public, he kisses me, holds my hand...everything a couple would do. It seems like everyone in town knows about us except his wife. He spends every minute he can with me. I have talked to someone who works with him and they tell me that they have never seen him the way he is with me. They say he loves me and it shows. He used to flirt ( and sometimes more ) with other women, but now he's not interested. We have had this conversation and I tell him that if he's doing it with me, he will do it to me. He is a very young 60 and I am a very young 50. We connnect on so many levels. Sexually, he is the best lover I have ever had and he says the same about me. He is very unselfish. Like they all say he says he has not had sex with his wife for 2 years, and doesn't have the desire to. She blames their lack of sex life on his age. Recently, his wife said she wanted to see the phone bill when it came in the mail. The bill came and he told her he hadn't gotten it yet. He was upset and on edge waiting. That's been 2 weeks ago. He says she hasn't ask. She told him that if she found out he was cheating that she would divorce him. I told him if that happened that I wanted to wait until things were finished with the divorce before we went totally public with our relationship. I told him I didn't want him moving in with me because I didn't want him there because he was forced there, but because he wanted to be there. I also told him that if nothing happened or if he decided to stay that I couldn't do this anymore. He said he totally understood and that it wouldn't be fair to me to ask me to do that. That's kind of it in a nutshell. I am in love with him and I know he loves me. I'm not naive and I know that what I am doing is wrong and I will probably get hurt in the long run, but I just wanted to hear from people that have nothing in this.

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Anonymous said...

I'm that guy....the married one. I'm the one who is in the affair with a beautiful woman who has been trying to get out of this relationship. She's in love and we have been seeing each other for four years. I have done this several times with other women and have no intention of leaving my wife.

My wife knows of two affairs that I have admitted to. I can tell 'the other woman' that you are being used for everything I am not getting at home. You are my fantasy, my sexual fantasy, my ego booster when we go out. Name ten things we have in common besides great sex. Yes, you may be smart, have a great job, but there's something about you that just doesn't meet up to the standards of being my wife. You will find, most men do not upgrade 'great sex' to 'wife'.

How long can two dishonest people maintain a healthy relationship. You both bring no morals to the table from the start. 'The other woman' wants more time and we give you just enough to keep you there. We say the things you want to hear and do what we can to keep you close. You get to needy and we stop calling for a while. Then you miss us and want to see us...we get together and have great sex....and the cycle begins all over again.

Anonymous said...

I have a question after watching the Dr. Phil Show on October 12, 2009- After hearing your answer regarding what men are looking for in their other women that wives are not providing, I am truly curious if these women are meeting all these needs- why are the men not leaving their marriages and embracing the other women as their mate, since all their needs are being met. It seems odd that none of your panel was able to keep the man once she provided everything he was looking for. I am not asking this in jest- I am truly curious why these affairs end if the male's needs are being met and the women (including those on your panel) express the desire that they love him and want a long term committed relationship with him?

Anonymous said...

I am so glad someone is willing to deal with this subject.I married the man I had an affair with and we are happy.I told him i will know if he's ever out there again because i know all of his tricks.he just laughs and says he was totally unhappy before.i told him to just let me know if he feels Totally unhappy with me because if he goes out on me i will teach him what it means to get cheated on...lol

Anonymous said...

I have been with a married man for 3 years he lives in another town and like most the other stories he approached me.He told me he just moved here from out of state he was living with a friend and his wife waiting to close on a house. He had a great job and was starting a business in which he showed me. we were always together he was with me 5 ,6 nights a week as soon as I got off work till the morning when he would leave to go to work. He met my family,kids,coworkers,and friends and I was honest with him from day one that I had been in a bad reltionship and couldnt deal with lies and games.But i was looking for the real thing.Soon after i ended up pregnant and he admitted he lived with his wife and two kids I asked allthe right questions i thought ect.did they sleep together would i meet them and he gave me all the right answer I even met his ex girlfriend. My whole pregnancy we were up and down because i wanted to meet his kids and family he gave me every excuse there is.I questioned and argued about it but he was such a good lier he made me feel like i was wrong for not trusting him. He told me stories about how he told his wife and kids about the baby and how they reacted and the kids were excited but still he did not bring them.The day I had our son he admitted that he had not told them bacause he didnt know how the kids would feel and he didnt want them to start messing up in school. I should have taken that oppertunity to walk away knowing the half truth. For now 15 month he has asked me to hold on continuing to lie telling me he told his wife and that they really were not together just sharing the house.I met his mom talk to aunts cousins and even meet his wifes cousin. 1week ago I went through his phone while he was asleep and got his wifes number. I just had to find out for myself I wanted to trust him and believe all the promises and plans we were making were true. a few days later I called his wife only to find out that no she did not know about me or our son. In her eyes they were happily married and I was not the first person he cheated with just the first he had a child with. I still love him or at least who I thought he was. And i feel bad but I feel bad for myself and my kids who have grown to love and look up to this man as a role model and to our son who now will be raised by a single mother. One of the worst things in this is if he was honest from the begining I would have never allowed a relationship to start between us and another fatherless child was brought into the world. That being said I understand why the wives are upset i would be to its painful but yes the other woman is in just as much pain I never asked him to come to me and other then my son I wish he had not.So before you blame the other woman think of what a good lier these men are.

Anonymous said...

As a woman involved with a MM for 1 1/2 years I am unhappy but accepting to say that everything I have read from all of the blogs is absolutely correct. How can to immoral people bring morals into a relationship? I never thought of it this way. All of these blogs are a wake up call for me. I'm ending my stupidity immediately. Thank you God. I am listening...with tears but with open ears.

Anonymous said...

I need help with a lawsuit. Here is my story. I never went after this married man. He was my boss. I never wanted to have a relationship with him, but he picked me out and decided that he wanted to be my "friend." He would find reasons for me to stay late after work. He started buying me presents. Finally, he said that he was going to help me negotiate for another car (used.) He went with me to the car dealership and after the price was settled, he paid for the car because I was his "friend." That very night, he invited himself over to my place and basically raped me. He didn't hit me or anything, but he just took what he wanted. Then it was like an affair. It went on for years, even after his wife found out. It wasn't anything that I wanted, but I'm a single mother. I believe I can sue him and win. I still work there, but the affair is finally over. My co-workers look at me like I'm dirt. (They still do.) It wasn't anything that I wanted. If the girl that David Letterman sues him and wins, then I'm going to sue too. What do you think?

Anonymous said...

Hi
I've just found this website after a friend of mine gave me a recent article from a magazine entitled "being the 'other woman' is it ever really worth it?". I have been seeing my MM for a year now, he lives at the other end of the country and vists me when he's on business in my area. I swore at first I wouldn't fall in love, but as time has gone on we are very much in love and I'm devastated when he leaves and I never know when I'll see him again. I couldn't agree more with Sarah, it's the most heart shattering experience. I live alone, have joined dating sites etc, but wont give any other man a chance while my hearts with the MM. The prospect of Christmas ahead without him fills me with dread. I know I have to end it and intend reading Sarah's book in the hopes that it'll make it easier. I never knew being the "other woman" would be so hard.
Incidentally, my ex husband had an affair for 25 years of our 30 year marriage. When I found out about it I hated her and would spit her name out with such venom, but I now totally understand the anguish and hurt and frustration that she must have been going through all of those years. I never imagined I would be in her position and dont want to be feeling like this for the next 20 years. My friends are very concerned about me, hence the article.....I hope this is a turning point for me, thank you

Anonymous said...

I have been involved with a MM for almost 2 yrs. now and it gets harder and harder every time I see him, to let him go. I know that it's wrong and that I deserve so much better, but it's kinda like an addiction. I was married for over 20 yrs and am not looking for that kind of relationship,but I am looking for something more than what I have with my MM. He's 13 yrs. my junior and is very attractive, he has 2 kids and his WIFE does not work, so trust me, I know that he is not going anywhere. I am so much in control of my life except when it comes to my MM then I lose my mind...! I WANT OUT....!!!!! but it's so hard to let him go?

Anonymous said...

I also am a married women who has learned enough to have some say! I have been married for close to twenty years now and was cheated on by my young husband, I was devastated has I felt I sacrificed allot with him in the beginning and really tried hard to make him happy. Not only did he cheat on me but also got her pregnant. I was devastated and was told almost into my ninth month of pregnancy and her's too. For years I though I could someday get over it and come to terms and I too hated the other women. As time went on after 15 years he contacted her then a year later he had another affair with a other women, who I never seen or met to date. The hate I had for him was so real but yet I was grieving and believe it or not someone else took notice in me right at that moment. This person made me feel good, strong and wanted a "platonic relationship" I didn't even know what that meant at the time, That person is Married ...but could relate to me as he was cheated on as well, so as he summed it up we had something in common, it took 6 month and dating, talking before we when over the line so to speak, I was in such turmoil for what I had done to me, my self worth, my morals I wanted to end my life, he was good at helping me see that I was hurting no one as "they had no heart in our relationship and our love was real" sad to say 2 1/2 years have gone by we are still seeing eachother, though not as much and I still do not have the strenght to break it off with either, the other man or my husband. I will tell all married women and mistresses this....it could happen to anyone of you and it probably will someday so don't judge! I think those who are involved one way or another are suffering enough.

Anonymous said...

I am married, and began a relationship with a MM whom I had known from years ago. I can only say that, for me, I got involved with him because I wasn't getting the attention and appreciation I wanted at home. I knew better, but I did it because he made me feel good. It ended for many reasons. Both of our spouses became suspicious, and I became pregnant. These affairs start as fun and exciting, but end in heartache, regardless. I was forced to make a decision I never thought I would be faced with, and everyday it's a decisions that I replay in my mind, wondering if I made the right choice. The MM and I even tried to be "friends" after all that, but it didn't work because, as my mom always told me, "you can't go back to just holding hands." Be careful ladies if tempted, I can't think of any of these affairs that ends happily.

Anonymous said...

These comments are so difficult to read. I have been married 26 years and 2 years ago re-found my first love via the internet. I was in love with him in college and never quit thinking of him. He is married with 2 grown kids, I still have 2 kids at home. He says he was happily married until we re-connected. We see each other weekly and communicate daily.
I know he will not leave his family for a relationship with me. I have one foot out the door of my unsatisfying marriage and know I will be alone and he will still be married. Intellectually I know I should leave. but thrive on the level of communication and proclaimed love we have. I always knew, from many years ago, that he and I weren't done. It is a very difficult situation.

Anonymous said...

It's great to know I can vent thru this blog. I need someone I can email on a daily basis who would be willing to help me and guide me through this difficult journey. I'm trying to break away from my MM. We've been together for 10 years.I struggle everyday. I'm on my 11th day of no communication and starting to lose the strength to carry on. I have tried this many times before and failed.

Please will someone with a similar experience talk to me on a regular basis? I'm losing my mind but would like to do the right thing. I've been hurt so many times and want out!

Anonymous said...

I'm the MM and in a relationship for 2 years with a now single woman. WHen I met her, she was also married, but wasn't happy and subsequently got divorced about a year into our relationship. I was always clear with her before her divorce that I couldn't leave my kids and get divorced, but she got divorced anyway, stating it had nothing to do with me. Now, 2 years later, she is troubled because I am still living with the wife and kids and she is divorced and not living with me. We both are very much in love, and at this point, I want to leave my situation for her, however, a divorce is not in the cards financially at this time. Its a very difficult situation for both of us I think. I am sure other MM struggle with this issue because they don't want to screw up their kids lives also. The women in this blog seem to find blame with the MM for not throwing his kids under the bus and moving in with the mistress. But what kind of man can just forget about his kids and do that without a thought???? Would the mistress really want a guy that could easily dump his family for his mistress? I think not.

I have read in this blog that the stats for the MM and the mistress ending up together is extremely low. I don't think that is true. 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway. I can see being very happy with the woman i am involved in, as soon as I can figure out a divorce settlement. Afterall, the MM is with the mistress for a reason!

Some people in this blog have pointed out the MM will not marry the mistress because of the 80/20 rule. I think that is silly. From my perspective, a MM is looking outside his marriage for a companion that actually gives a damn and doesn't take him for granted. That goes for in the bed and out! If the MM finds good companionship in and out of the bedroom, the wife is done! Maybe not today or tomorrow, but within the near future.

So for all those thinking the mistress has no chance, I dare say, they are dead wrong. The mistress plays the most important part in the MM life, and the MM will do everything in his power to eventually end up with the mistress. THis may not be true for all men, but it makes sense for most normal, intelligent men.

sarah J. Symonds said...

Dear anonymous MM with 'troubled mistress' who left the above comment...see my blog today - it's all about YOU and men like you. My comments to you are on my blog too. Please leave any comments for me on today's blog entry not this one. Thanks and thanks for sharing; I was wondering what to blog about today! My mistresses are going to enjoy talking to YOU!

Best
Sarah J.

nailsdeb said...

Thank you for your blog....so so helpful. I have been in a 28 year marriage and have started the process of separation. Meanwhile I have needs. I found a great guy who was separated we have been seeing each other for about 3 months. We fell hard for each other and have fallen in love. He sees a future with me....we are both working on our separations / divorces. Meanwhile....I am having difficulty with the ground rules. Often he will go days with no communication....I need to plan our time together ahead. He is more casual .....this is difficult. Any tips...????

Sarah J. Symonds said...

Dear Nailsdeb

Poor communication from a man's side is usually a sign that he is not committed to what he is telling you. Be aware that you are not expecting more from his separation than he is actually telling you. It sounds like you decided to get divorced after so long anyway, i.e. not because you met him? If that's the case stay true to your mission. But beware of your expectations of this man and his true intentions. Always beware that he may be telling you he is separating/divorcing, and using you as his bit on the side, yet may never intend to go through with it.

The only way to deal with his poor communication skills is to talk to HIM about it. Tell him how it makes you feel, and how you would like the communication to be. Better to find out now if he is hiding something, or can at least up his game on communicating.

Good luck. Keep me posted and thanks for writing.
Sarah J x

Jane said...

hi, i am so glad there is someone i can talk to. I haven't been able to reveal my true feelings to anyone, at least no one that would understand the position i am in. I am having an affair with an MM and i want to leave. I am 16 and i lost my virginity to him. Men have told me they loved me before and i would just brush it off, but this seemed different. Therefore, i let myself succumb to flirtation and infatuation. His wife recently found out and i feel terrible. I am just starting my life i don't need this pressure of guilt from some woman in the world telling her children that i sperated their family. As statistics say, women with sexual issues or addictions come with father complexs. Consequently, i know what it is like to grow up without a father, i don't want others to feel this way because of my doing. he believes he loves me but now i just want to take everything back. I want this to have never happened. If their marriage falls apart i don't want to be a part of it. I don't want anything to do with them. but i can't just let it going knowing i have done damage. What should i do? please.......

Anonymous said...

Another great book!! Hi sisters, I highly recommend the new book How to Kill a Princess by Angela DeVere It completely changed my life and how I look at relationships. It teaches you that you must first learn how to be happy alone before you can truly be happy with someone else. So many of us sisters use men to fill a void and it is simply never enough. This book is funny, raw, honest and contains fun tests at the end of each chapter that you can apply to yourself and the men you are dating.. Every woman should read this book!!! It doesn't just tell you how, it tells you why, and everything in between...

Anonymous said...

Self-righteous wives amaze me. The pattern both on the Dr Phil show and in this blog is the same. Wives are looking for someone else to blame for their own shortcomings, selfishness and ignorance. First of all, let me state - the only difference between you and the mistress is that you got the guy to put a ring on it, through whatever manipulative games you played - from your "come-here-go-away" games to unplanned (for him) pregnancy. You obviously found him charming and attractive - what makes you think this only worked on you? Secondly, the fools who tout the "if you're so great, why doesn't he leave his wife!?" theme - I have one word for you. Money. You trapped him into a marriage he regrets (actions speaking louder than words!) but by the empirical nature of the cheating husband, he is too selfish to lose money or control. The fact is, you are with the wrong man, honey - married or not. And if you're not woman enough to leave a cheating husband - YOU are the ones who are insecure. Get over your self-righteousness!

Anonymous said...

Dr Phil was way out of line on his show. He was unable to be objective about the issue, and imposed his own standards on the people there. Dr Phil, you are not God.

Anonymous said...

The Dr Phil show just aired in Australia. Good on you. I was in an abusive and loveless marriage for 23 years. Since my husband left I have slept with a few married men. Most have been honest about their relationship. I know how hard it is to leave a spouse. Sometimes they just need that bit extra. Marriage goes through stages and after a while you stop talking to each other. Stop being as close. A couple of the men I've been with have thanked me for saving their marriage. They learn how to communicate with their partners. I've even had one wife thank me also. We all have needs.
I cheated on my husband when I was 18. The guy knew I was married. I see it as just sex. There's no real emotional feelings.
I'm now with a wonderful single guy who knows my past. We are very happy.

Anonymous said...

God. Not to be alone in this.

I'm in an open relationship, in the mistress role I suppose since he doesn't live with me. She and I talk and while we aren't friends we are friendly. It's complicated, crazy complicated. I'm 48, twice divorced and 2.5 years ago I met this amazing man online. I know now I was a fool for buying his excuses for not being around but sometimes when we're in love we're stupid, we believe what we want to believe.

We had a wonderful day today at his cottage, doing chores in the morning, lunch, a bath, a nap but when we parted ways at the end of the day it was heart wrenching.

I know I'm meandering here, I've never really talked about this. My best friends know but I don't complain to them because they just don't understand. It would be so easy if I could just shut off all these feelings but I'm in love for the first time in my life and I'm not ready to give that up.

sarah J. Symonds said...

Well "cottage mistress" since you and the wife know about each other what's the problem? It's not cheating anymore on his part, and it sounds like you are all getting the best out of the situation no? He certainly is.

Sarah J x

Anonymous said...

Sarah

Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not. While I don't mind living on my own, in fact I value my time to myself, I would like to see more of him, meet his friends, get to know his kids. I'm an adult, I've made my decisions and I have to live with it - or move on. I'm just not there yet. If I wasn't in love it would be so much easier.

sarah J. Symonds said...

But Cottage Mistress, you have ALLOWED yourself to fall in love with him, so the responsibility to be happy is on you here. I mean, you are making his marriage a lot better for sure, sending home a happier more satisfied man and all that.

I'd never advise falling in love with a married man. It's like slow release poison, but, you have a choice. We all do.

Wishing you luck and hopefully some happiness
Sarah J x

sarah J. Symonds said...

But Cottage Mistress, you have ALLOWED yourself to fall in love with him, so the responsibility to be happy is on you here. I mean, you are making his marriage a lot better for sure, sending home a happier more satisfied man and all that.

I'd never advise falling in love with a married man. It's like slow release poison, but, you have a choice. We all do.

Wishing you luck and hopefully some happiness
Sarah J x

Anonymous said...

Hi sarah
Im writing to you as I just saw inside infedelity 3 with dr Phil here in Denmark. This is the first time I ever blog. But I just felt so bad for you with all the people putting you down. I dont agree in being a mistress or cheating and have ever done so myself. But you bring up some good points with how to keep the man happy and it seems like most women are in denial and all their hatred towards threats (other women) seemed to hit you cause you are honest. In denmark we are very open about sex and love and talk about it alot. It seems like its a tabu in the US (?) to talk about your desires, biology and anythimg that can ruin the "right way of thinkin". I totally agreed with you on that its a work to keep your partner, you need to keep yourself hot (so does he), have good sex, laughter and communication. Well, I just wrote cause I felt bad for you. I thought you said the truth and people wouldnt hear it as its like facing their demons. (as said before i have never cheated and I dont think I have ever been cheated on). I also do hope that you find someone speciel in your life. Regards Liv

Aimee said...

A man who commits adultry lacks judgement; whoever does so destroys himself- Poverbs 6:32

This is the truth everyone, sad but true! Looking in the bible for answers was like looking in the mirror! I gave all my confusion and pain to God and he in return gave me once again a happy heart and filled it with peace and joy as i hope and trust in him. I wish I would have known God's word before it was too late, I would have made different choices based on God's word and not merely on what my flesh desired after becoming corrupt through lust and desires that sprang from illusion. If you don't know God's word, then you won't know how to tell when you're under satan's attack as he steals your life from you right before your very eyes! come on people, listen to what I'm saying. Look it up for yourselves, or will you have to be brought to your knees first? You are all in my prayers, good luck and God Bless...

Anonymous said...

Sarah,

its good to see this format for women to read other first person stories. It is very much like a support group giving first hand information to take what one needs and move on.
Some day, we women will stop attacking each other and stop blaming women and burning them at the stake. Why does mankind point the finger at the smarter sex? Because some are insecure and need to blame HER for she is wiser :))
The overall feeling I get when watching the DR. PHIL show during your features, is that , still, women are burned at the stake for the acts of men. Thank you for being there for us gals. I wish you well...

Good Job!!

Princess

Anonymous said...

hey sisters

I've been seeing a guy, Sergei for the past 7 years, however he has been married for the last 10 years. he didn't adapt well to married life well. We met at a sex toy convention in Cincinnati and have been lovers ever since. One time we were having sex and his wife came home so i had to hide in the closet, But then she saw him laying in bed and quickly joined him. I watched for like 45 minutes and was jealous of her the whole time. this other time he was eating sushi off my naked body and his wife came home again. This time i didn't want to hide and she caught us on the kitchen table. She was shocked at first but when she calmed down she asked me a question. She wanted to spice up her marriage and asked if she minded having a bit. Later she talked to us about having a three-way relationship. I was just wondering if anyone here has ever experienced that and know if they work out or not?
peace bitches

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