Monday, September 20, 2010

Dear Sisters,

One of our own needs us. I have given her some advice on an email, but she would like very much YOUR feedback, and to know if you guys have done such things. (We all have right!!). My main message to her is 'what's done is done,' and that this man pushed her to such a place of pain that she was not responsible for her actions. She became as bad as him (we all do) and at the end of the day she actually did the wife a favour by telling her. My concern is that the wife is not genuine though, and is not really divorcing him at all. Please help her by leaving some comments of encouragement below, as only you all can.

"Hello my fellow sisters -- I am in a dilemma over something I've done, and I would really appreciate your honest feedback.

After a year and a half, I anonymously contacted the soon-to-be-ex-wife of my MM (using an old email address) and told her that he was having an affair and that she should "hire an investigator because he may be bi-sexual too" (this I suspect based on insecurities he had revealed to me about himself). The wife wrote me back that "we are already divorcing" and that she "has never trusted him but couldn't prove anything" and then asked me to help her with the divorce by sending her proof. She promised to keep my identity confidential. I told her I'd think about it, and never contacted her again. She never contacted me again either.

My dilemma is this: I knew contacting her was wrong and was "bad karma" but I didn't care at the time. I just HAD to know if they were really divorcing (like he told me) and what the story was. Now that I know, I do not feel any better. I feel HORRIBLE. I am a worse betrayer than he ever was. I betrayed his "very personal insecurities" that he disclosed to me (about his "issues as a man"). And I am ashamed to say that I am more concerned about the bad karma than about any damage I did to him. Or her.

Also, what if he finds out it was me? I think I used that email with him at one time. I am not a bad person, I really am a good person, which is why I can't understand why I couldn't stop myself from doing what I did. Am I terrible? Should I tell him what I did? There's no excuse for doing that, in my opinion. Please tell me your opinions, and if you've ever felt this way or did this too.

Thank you, Sisters.


Anonymous said...

Can I ask "why did you feel the need to contact his ex"? Did he do something to you to betray you??? If he was indeed divorcing her, why would you risk revealing yourself??

Anyone who is involved with a MM knows that the majority of them will lie and say " yeah my wife and are divorcing" and the majority knows that is usually just BS.....however in your case it proved to be true....

Are you and MM still together? If so then maybe after the divorce is final then I would come clean to him. If you not together then IMO there is no reason to reveal what you did........don't beat yourself on what you did.....just try and stay away from MM in the future it will save a lot of heartache....


Anonymous said...

I would not feel bad for snooping----look what he is doing to you! He is lying to you, lying to his wife, and I don't blame you for wanting to find out the truth, if there is any such thing in an affair.

I would just let it go. And if you can, please walk away. Good luck to you!


im not homer said...

when in doubt, don't. What good would telling him do anyway ? Don't worry about the Karma Train over this. If he finds out it was you, what is the worst that could happen? He leaves you? That would be his loss and besides he is the one dest...ined to get on the Karma Train. Don't send the wife any proof. That is her job. You don't owe her and aren't working for her. Schedule a self-indulgent middle of the week lunch, cocktails and shoe shopping date with some girlfriends and forget about it. What's done is done.

Julia Murphy said...

Oh Baby Girl...We all get so caught up in this thing called life. What's Right What"s Wrong. Ask 20 people the very same question and there opinions will all differ.

So what i send you is unconditional love as a human being..Oh and one question Why are you so afraid of Karma when all i see is it showing you the way...?

P.S My opinion on sharing with any other being is to expect whatsoever passes from my lips to there ears is also being herd by the universe infinite..

Big Hugs

Anonymous said...

My experience has been that they don't leave the "comfort" of their relationship (marriage). They have found a way to co-exist and have no reason to change.
Your decision to spill the truth was unfortunately harder on you than anyone.She may or may not have known.He sure as hell felt no guilt over his time with you.
In the end,you need to look after you.No one else is going to do it.Karma pays up and down (meaning we're never sure if we're paying for a past life or paving the road for the next one) so move on.I agree "whats done is done". This is a lesson learned (however you look at it) and know that you still have all the choices you will ever want moving forward.
Much love and support from Canada.

k.chicken said...

What is done is done. I often had the urge to come clean to the wife to get an idea of how things really were so I understand that. It seems as though you are still with the MM. You need to look out for you. Would telling him what you did do anything for you? My guess is not. It seems that you are beating yourself up where you did what you thought was right. I wouldn't send her proof, in the end you would more than likely end up the one that is ostracized not the MM.
Unfortunately there are no rights or wrongs in such a situation. Whatever you decide, whether to tell him or not, whether to stay with him or not, I wish you peace.

Anonymous said...

In response to my post...Thank-you, Ladies, for all your good thoughts and advice. I know I shouldn't beat myself up. (I guess I'm a masochist...why else would I get involved with an MM, right?) It helps to read your words of support. I need to be kinder to myself, and I will strive to be from now on. Sarah, thank-you for all your help, both on an individual basis, and by sharing your book and this blog. Being the "other woman" is a lonely way to live life, and this network you've provided us, is a gift. I will stay in touch with this blog for on-going support and look forward to sharing my support as well.
Just so you all know, since you were MM and I do not see each other anymore, but he still calls and texts to "Say Hi" and "wish me a good week." He's probably trying to keep his foot in the door, I know, but I can't bring myself to cut it off completely (and neither can he, obviously). I'm hoping that as my self-esteem improves and my spirituality grows (I'm reading a lot of books on that), that the situation will resolve on its own, with me taking the higher road from now on. I hate to be mean to anyone, even him.
Thanks again, Everyone! You've helped me! XO E.

Anonymous said...

The amount of lying in this triad sounds pretty disgusting. This does not sound positive for anyone involved. I'm all for finding healthy relationships in life but this sounds like three times the opposite. Get out, give up the revenge game, and try again with a better fit.

- Deep V.

Anonymous said...

If you really want to be MARRIED then you don't qualify to be a MISTRESS. Why should a relationship be all about if or if not he (or she) gets a divorce. In the grand tradition of mistressing being in a shadow marriage is the key. People need to ask themselves if they are really mistresses or just having an affair.

Anonymous said...

Ladies...after all my thank-yous, (and I meant every one) and all my good intentions, I committed the final, lowest act. I am sorry, but my anger and hurt override all feelings of guilt. This bastard was supposed to call me (since we still "keep in touch as friends") on Friday. He didn't. He texted me this morning and told me that he was "golfing with his brothers" who happen to live not far away from me. He wasn't. He was golfing with an old girlfriend from 20 years ago (I found out). I've absolutely had it. I could not stand it another minute--that he was getting away with this. His wife is hard enough. Another girlfriend? That's too much. I contacted both the wife AND the girlfriend and sent them a hotel reservation and an email he sent me from last year' where he asked me to meet him out of town. Ladies...I know I'm going to get your scorn and I deserve it. But I am so angry, there are no words. And it's because THIS IS MY OWN FAULT!! I knew he was a rat in the beginning. Why did I allow it to contiinue? I am a mean person for doing what I did. But in a way, I feel that at least the truth is out. If I just made a heap of trouble for myself, I guess I'll have to deal with it. But I could not stand the thought of him getting away with it any longer.

Anonymous said...

Well, I heard back from the "new/old girlfriend" and she was non-plussed about what I had to say about him. She said they were "just friends" and she intends it to stay that way. She said she's "sorry for my hurt" and hopefully I can find some "resolution" and "lose my resentment." I am glad that I told the truth of things, but it always feels like there's one more thing to say or one more letter to write. I just want to chalk this whole thing up to a very painful (and possibly, very humiliating) lesson and forget about it. How can I do that? Any words of advice? How can I FINALLY let go without thinking about what may come next?

E. said...

Ladies, in your experience, does the MM usually have more than one mistress or "close female friend" at a time? This "new/old girlfriend" that I emailed yesterday (see previous note) was very supportive of him and said I was "resentful." She said they were "very close friends" and I'm just wondering if he could be playing her too and still have others as well.

Raven said...

E. They can certainly juggle many women at one time. They have no respect for women, so no guilt. If one woman rejects them they just replace her with another. THEY DO NOT like being alone. They HAVE to be the star of the show.
They lie to everyone in order to keep the peace, get a piece AND keep everyone quiet.

E. said...

Thanks, Raven. I hope the "new/old girlfriend" who called me "resentful" knows what it feels like too, someday.

Sarah...I've deleted my Facebook account. Since the MM, his wife, and his "new/old girlfriend" are also on there, it's too tempting and painful to keep snooping to see what he's up to. I'll never move on that way. I also blocked his phone number and email, just in case he ever tries to contact me again (which I doubt...he's got a "new" one now). Anyway, locking the doors is the only way I can move on. I'll keep in touch with you and the Sisters thru this blog. Thanks for everything!!!

E. said...

My best friend just advised me to find a lawyer. She said that since I contacted the wife and new girlfriend and sent them both emails, that I could be prosecuted or at least dragged into court during their divorce hearing/trial. I'm shaking and ready to cry. What have I done...just for a brief moment of sweet revenge?

Sarah J. Symonds said...

Sister E,
All you have done is tell the truth. You were in a position of extreme pain and hurt which manifests itself as anger of course. You have set yourself free and you have actually set his wife free to live in the truth, and who cares about the other girl anyway, whatever the truth about her/him is.

I wouldnt worry about the lawyer part hun. That looks like you are making all this more important than it is to you.... She already told you that she was already divorcing him tough, so its not 'your fault' anyway.

This man chose to break his vows and chose to have an affair with you. Yes you could have said no, we all could, but it turned into something bigger than you. It always does.

Hopefully you will not get involved with any MMs ever again. A lot of your sisters - and of course me- will never either. I mean, who really wants to be THAT unhappy eh!!

Keep in contact with us please, and try to look after YOU now ok

Sarah J x

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised that the wife took you at your word and didn't ignore your emails and pretend she had never read them or write you off as a nutjob who was lying about her husband.

When I was preparing to end my affair, out of self-preservation (I was worried he would try to get me fired) I tried to "out" my MM by emailing and texting people close to him, but to this day, it appears to have been a waste of time. Whatever his in-laws may have been whispering among themselves when he wasn't there, they never even told him that there were some odd rumors going around about his activities. This shows me what a dysfunctional system his wife grew up in and how she learned to ignore anything remotely unpleasant. So, I don't believe that if I had stood outside her house with a sign that said "HELLO KATHY, I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH YOUR HUSBAND FOR THREE YEARS. HAVE A NICE DAY" she would have acknowledged that it had occurred.

At least the two of them aren't ruining anyone else's lives anymore They deserve each other.

Anonymous said...

Hi everyone. I was involved with a married man for 16 years.. It was like we were married but he never stayed over, always went home to his wife. We went overseas together, away with our friends together, his friends would ring him at my house never his because we were a couple. I never asked him to leave his wife and he always said he wouldn't, although we did talk about me buying a new house or winning the lottery and buying a new house and him moving in. He gave me a birthday dinner with 6 of our friends, he talked to one of them about an upcoming weekend away we were having and told him to book the house, the next day he left my house at 11pm and apparently went to a cafe with his mates - since found out it was his new girlfriend. He never came back. I rang him and he said he was going to talk to me and Isaid what you dont want to be with me anymore? He said I would get over it! He left me for a very very large and unattractive girl 16 years his junior. He tells everyone he is so happy and they are having sex in the back of his car because she lives athome with her parents. He STAYS over at her house when her parents are away and they go away nearly every weekend so that they have a bed to have sex in. He says he is in love with her and he is so damn happy. I am finding it very hard to get over him. I feel devastated betrayed humiliated etc etc etc. He will be 60 in feb 2011. She is 43. I want him to hurt. I want my revenge. He keeps his home life and wife very secret and doesnt allow anyone or anything to penetrate it. He and his wife sleep inthe same bed but do not have sex. He is the king of liars. How do i get back athim. Why is he so damn happy, Is it ok to let his wife know? He is getting engaged to his new girlfriend and he has just slotted her into my life and friends. I have not had any contact with him for 3months. Please tell me why ishe so damn happy and smug and how I can get back at him?

Sarah J. Symonds said...

Dear Betrayed
See this as a lucky ESCAPE. Now you don't have to live this life any longer, a life that steals you of your life. Let the other woman choose to if she wants to, but you are better than that. Where do you live, Betrayed, are you in the States?

Keep the faith and stay strong.
Sarah x

Sister E. said...

Hello Betrayed,
Trust me, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!!
I DID get what I felt was "just revenge" (I emailed his wife and sent her some incriminating emails and also emailed his new girlfriend) and although I wouldn't do things differently now, (because I do feel that he needed to be exposed for the dirtbag that he is), your feelings of anger and hate will not magically disppear with any actions of revenge you take. I still felt the same anger after I did those things, and even more, and did not feel "magically better." It's now 4 months since it all went down, and I'm slowly but steadily getting better. I know beyond any doubt that I am better off without him! In the end, if you continue to hold on to hateful feelings, you will suffer, not him. He will just move on to another poor woman, etc. etc. My regret from my situation (my story is the one that started this thread) is that I allowed my self-esteem to get so low that I settled for him in the first place. I sensed from the very beginning, what he was, and chose to ignore it. You do not have to do anything TO him. Life will take care of him. He will never find happiness and contentment. He will always go from woman to woman, unsatisfied. Sarah is right, at least you are out of it now. He is someone else's problem. Shed him like soiled clothes and step into the sunlight. Trust that Life has better waiting for you, because She does!
God Bless.
Sister E. XO