Sisters,
This is something I get asked all the time, and so to reply to a comment from one of our sisters of the mistress-hood (posted under "Circumstantial Mistress") regards "How to Fall Out of Love with an MM?" - I have a simple solution to that question. To fall out of love with your MM, you need to empower yourself, and get your self-esteem back, and to help you do this, just think back on all of the lies and empty promises he has ever fed you, Think of all the soul destroying 'waiting' you have allowed yourself to endure by being his secret woman. Think of the number of times you have told him you were in pain, and how he still went home to his wife anyway, but more importantly, think on the most basic of truths here, he does not love you, or he would have changed his world to be with you. So don't belittle yourself enough to love someone who does not love you, who has lied to you (and is lying to his wife, and his family) and who you have no chance of a future with.
Hope this helps this particular mistress who wrote in with her very candid, and all too familiar, story (and by the way sister, the guy you write about sounds like a very nasty piece of work, and a manipulative bastard to boot; so the fact he is married and a cheat, should be enough to have you running for the hills?). I hope this will help empower all other mistresses reading too. I know it is a daily, uphill struggle, to get over this type of emotional scarring, but you will get there. Don't give in. Live the life you DESERVE, and don't accept to be second best any longer. And, it is ok to be alone you know.
For this sister - and any others who are currently trying to beat their addiction to the WRONG man - I do offer intensive coaching sessions, that will help you love yourself, and reclaim yourself. I call this service, "renewal coaching," as that is literally what this process is all about, renewing yourself. If you are interested to know more, then write to me at sarah@havinganaffairthebook.com for more information. I have helped countless women, including myself, to move on from this VERY toxic environment which I understand all too well.
As always, let me know your thoughts...I love reading all of your comments.
Hugs
Sarah J.
14 comments:
Sarah,
I think your thoughts are right on!! I fell out of lust with my MM after we slept together a couple of times and he made it all about him! (if you catch my drift) I think that if a woman wants just sex, don't go after a MM, find some single, available stud that is looking to get his rocks off too, w/o the dealings that relationships come with. Now that I am not with my MM anymore, I find myself wondering how I ever HAD the time to be with him. Life is just so busy and crazy, it's hard enuf to have sex with my boyfriend let alone someone who is married!! But seriously, when i was with MM I would get upset and stressed out if he didnt email me back or return a call and thank gawd I finally decided that MY time and life was not going to revolve around some loser's life who was prolly with his wife and family when I wanted to see him anyways. He wasn't dropping things or changing his schedule to see me so why should I do the same? It was on his terms for the most part. So, ladies with MM, YOU are the most important, YOU are always number one and once you are not number one or being treated as such YOU need to make changes in your life so you can be. Life is too short for anything but!!
Thank you sister, for sharing that comment with us. I am always inspired to hear from other women who have been able to healthily move on from their MM's. You are a great testament to the fact that real and available love with a single guy, is far more rewarding than the love we 'think' we have for a married one.
Rock on sister xx
I have recently told the wife of my mm that he and I were having an affair. My mm and I have been friends for 7 years now. He has flirted with me for the entire 7 years. It has been 1 year since he told me he has feelings for me and only 1 month since he and I slept together. I did fall in love with my mm. I tried not to, but I did. I already had a taste of the downward spiral of lies and promises that my mm kept on telling me. Thank God it did not take long for me (as it has for some of you) to realize what a jerk this man was. I now know there was not intention of making good on any promises. In fact, now that his wife knows, he told me he has found renewed love for her as she has forgiven me and him. He has turned the tables on me and claims I was plotting to keep him in my life....what a bastard! I do believe that I have found some of my self-esteem back by telling his wife. I have empowered myself and I do not regret my decision one bit. Time for me now!
Sarah I just finished your book and it has changed my perspective on the MM relationship I am in. Thank you! My question is . . . how do I end this? What do I tell him? We were good friends before the relationship began and I would like to communicate rather than just disappear. Could we still be friends (that is probably silly right?) Thank you for your help.
Dear 'enlightened Mistress' - thank you for purchasing my book, I am thrilled it has made you see sense and see how much you are wasting your time with a man who already has a number one woman in his life. My advice is to get out as soon as you can. It will be awfully hard to remain friends as you have vested emotions in each other, and unless you take a stand he will always want to come back for more, and try to win you over again. Stay strong and true to yourself and find a guy who REALLY deserves you. You could always just tell him you have decided to look for a relationship with a single man.
Good luck
SJS x
Sarah, I'm a MM who really has enjoyed reading your points of view and the opinions of women who have clearly been hurt by other MM. And it's clear that you're presenting information that really helps women who have been hurt by these relationships. Would you be interested in having a few pieces written on your blog or elsewhere that present an opposing point of view, from an actual MM in a cheating situation? For obvious reasons, I'll have to write anonymously, but if it helps some women find closure or understanding, I can try to help in my own way. If this is interesting to you, please send me an e-mail at gumme.worms@yahoo.com . Thank you and have a good day.
I recently became the other woman that had to face the truth after 2 yrs. It's never about his wife or us, it's always about him. His happiness comes first and he doesn't care who he has to hurt to get it. Every mistress thinks their MM is different, but they're not. All want their cake and to eat us too. I hope that if like Sarah says my MM contacts me, I'll be able to text him a picture of me and my new honey as I have no intention of waiting for him.
Sarah, I read your book twice and it has empowered me to finally break up with my MM of 13th months. He leaves in Chicago, I lived in NY. I met him through a common single "friend" who marketed him as a "millionaire in real estate", which sounded attractive enough. I am a 49 years old widow, my two kids have left the nest. Lately I have had economical problems, laid-off of two jobs in a row, after I had a brilliant career in my home country in Latin America. I was Editor-in-chief of the number 1 business magazine in the market, I was Deputy Finance Minister and finally I worked as Embassador of my country to Canada.
J and I met in NY, he was impressed with my resume, with me, my looks, my apartment, everything. I was fascinated with his money and his interest in me. We started a long distance relationship, seeing each other every 6 weeks, including a 4 day trip to Vegas (I DO NOT like Vegas, but he was paying). I knew something was wrong, he said he had been married 20 years with his first wife (two daughters) and he had been divorced for 5 years, but he said he was "living with someone" who was not Jewish and he would never marry a non-Jew, we are both Jewish and it seems that is very important for him. I did not care about this other woman because I also had my affairs on the side.
But after 10 months I was still in the dark. If he loved me so much, why he did not leave his girlfriend?
When we met last June I put him against the wall and he confessed he had been married 5 years with wife #1, a daughter, he divorced her to marry his mistress who made herself pregnant, daughter #2, they have been married 17 years.And she is not Jewish, but he is so smart that he had her converted. What a liar! I googgled his wife and she is fat, ugly, old, and teaches a Spanish course for beginners. Comparing her to me, you can see the difference between a high profile politician with big jobs great body, not a single wrinkle, great natural long hair, etc. etc, no wonder he seemed to like me so much, comparing to the monkey at home.
I knew I had to break up then and there but I couldn't. We did not see each other during the summer and I was very cool on the phone, not answering his calls for long periods of time, but he tricked me calling from different phone numbers. I had my birthday in July, our "anniversary" and his birthday in August. I sent him a small but meaningful birthday present and I was expecting the big love visit after three months, last week. He wanted sex, food, liquor and pot, all provided by me. We had a lot of everything but he did not bring me a Birthday present, he never said nothing on Valentines, and he did not take into account the "anniversary" either.
I had taken all this crap, thinking about the future with this rich man because he said he was going to leave his wife when his daughter finishes high school, 2009. Oh, yeah.
I followed your advice: no presents on Birthday, anniversary or SV, so I cut it out. I left him a message in his phone, and he still calls twice a day, I have my cell off, because I dont want him to trick me from other numbers as before. I also wrote down all Illinois area codes, but the best is to just shut the phone. In order to stop the calling I sent him a Dear John letter, he doesn't email!!! that he will get on Monday.
I need your support. I DONT WANT TO BE WITH A BIG TIME LIAR MM.
What else can I do to keep him out from my life?
I recently moved to Atlanta, and I am somewhat lonely, no network, just my daughter, and fearing about my financial future.
Please advice!!!!!!!!
F
Dear Mistress F...
This man is never going to change his behavior, thats why you have to change yours. You have to empower yourself to know that it really is better to be alone and lonely, than in a quasi relationship with this liar, and thus unhappy.
F, I am looking for mistresses to come on the Tyra Banks show next week - would you be interested in telling your story and empowering other 'other women?'
email me to sarah@havinganaffairthebook.com if you are
SJS
Is there any support group/board that I can visit to help me get over my MM?
I haven't read your book since I checked the online sites of the leading bookstores here in my country and your book is not available anywhere... at least, not yet. I've seen you on Tyra's show, though, and having recently (very recent as in 5 days ago!) ended my relationship with an MM, I naturally became curious and luckily found your blog online.
Here's my story...
I was in a relationship with an MM for 3 years. At the start, he didn't tell me that he was married. Later on he admitted to me that he has two kids but he was never married to their mom. As the relationship progressed, he told me that the woman who was living at his house and whom he was letting me talk to over the phone (and who had been my confidante... because he told she was his cousin!) was actually the mother of his kids and he insisted that their relationship had long been over.
A year after, the mother of his kids got hired as a nurse there in the US and she had the privilege of taking her family with her. That was the time he finally came clean that they're indeed married. And so my ex and the kids went with her. He told me that he had to go in order for him to give his kids a better future.
He came back to me every 5-6 months but at the end of each trip, he would still go back to his wife.
Anyway, I'm having a difficult time moving forward (it sounds better than moving on... kinda more specific) because we have a weird scenario. My ex still lives with his wife but she knows about him and me and she also has a boyfriend of her own. Before I broke up with my ex, she acted as the bridge whenever my ex and I were having fights. She's always made it a point to assure me that they are no longer a couple.
The thing is, they live together in one house with their 2 kids and I live in another continent. I couldn't stop being paranoid that she's just there, easily available for him.
He keeps telling me that I'm the only one and he says that even his wife can tell me that.
But my instinct tells me that I made a good decision to just let go of him.
What do you think?
Dear Asiamee,
Thank you for your comment. You can get my book on line at Amazon.com. As for making the right decision? You definitely did do that sister, well done
Hugs
Sarah J.
As a MM, I have to say I find this all very interesting. I have been married twenty years. Although we have a great relationship (both with and without our clothes on) I almost almost always had a mistress. I have one that lasted almost ten years and today I still consider myself very close to her. Mistresses allow me a degree of freedom and helps to avoid the staleness of a long relationship. A good mistress should not only be good in bed but also a great companion, friend and confidant. A good mistress doesn't want kids or deal with all the issues of raising them. Who wants to deal with the logistics of school, sports and other kid activities? A mistress is there to be an outlet from work. In today's world where you are literally just a number on someone's excel spreadsheet who knows if you will have a job tomorrow. A mistress is there to do all the crazy things in bed the wife doesn't want to do or no longer has interest in doing or maybe never did. The sex is supposed to be hot; not another planned event being quiet because there are kids in the next room. A good mistress is there to dress sharp all the time, be in great shape, and stand out in a crowd. I can always go to the PTA meeting with the wifey in sweat shirt and dungarees. What a good mistress gets into return might be financial, it might be love even if not in the traditional sense. If your MM is not meeting your needs, I say find another one because we're out here hunting for those great relationships. If your in one, don't fool yourself; you've a job description and it doesn't include him leaving his family! Have fun, enjoy the travel, the gifts, the great sex and if your lucky and smart the closeness that a good mistress affair can offer.
I just stumbled over this site in a in really bad moment in my life. More like a desperate moment where I needed advice and couldn't turn to anyone I know personally, be it in real life or online, for help.
I've known this man for over five years online. He and I first met when I was fifteen, maybe sixteen, and he was twenty or twenty one. He is now twenty five and married [His wife is 41], for two years, and I am twenty and single. He and I had an online flirtation for the first two or three years, as we've always had a flirting vibe going on, and this past year things had changed.
In the five years we've known each other we didn't constantly keep in touch. For a long time I would take leaves of absence from him because I simply could no reconcile my desire for him, and acting on that desire, and the fact that he was already in a committed relationship.
Two months ago, roughly, I met him and slept with him in a hotel. It was the first time I had met him, and I was a virgin before I had met him. We had sex three times and I did not climax once. However, he was very tender with me and tried, I believe, to take care of me.
Since he and I parted, I went through a three week serious depression afterwards. Barely slept, barely ate, and I literally looked as if someone had died. In a lot of ways, I feel as if someone did. I feel emotionally lost a lot of the time, and feel as if I am pining for him. He and I have had several conversations about the state of our relationship and find it is taxing on both of us. I feel guilty for being any kind of imposition to him, and each night I find myself upset or crying at some point in time.
Last night I was using a webcamera with him, just to let him look at me- nothing sexual, and found out his microphone was on. I heard coughing, and thought it was from the house since my music was up loud, and found out it wasn't. It was him. I heard his voice for the first time in over two months, and heard his wife's voice...
I had never heard her before last night. Never seen her picture before tonight when I found out where he was working and his wife's blogs. It was purely accident, but part of me wants to think it wasn't... because I think it is a drive to know more about what I shouldn't be getting into. Maybe it ties into my drive to be with someone who clearly will not leave his wife for me. Not now, not ever, I think. He is soundly commited to her.
I miss him. Quite a bit. I can't see him, no web camera, and I can't hear him, no skype or telephone calls. All I have is an instant messenger and time to talk while he is "working."
I find myself missing him and my thoughts often drift to him. I feel helpless. Leaving him feels unbearable, but staying in a situation where I cannot see him, cannot call him, and cannot have any real promise of those in the near future- or even the far future at this point, feels crushing to me. I feel caught, in some senses, psychologically by the fact I gave him my virginity and I have known him for five years. I have self image issues, pretty severe ones, and I have a complicated history that makes connecting to others- especially men in a relationship, sexual, sense difficult.
He says he wants me to move on and find a happily ever after. I wish that happily ever after were with him and myself.
Years ago I could not imagine myself in the position I am in today. I never imagined myself as the other woman, and truthfully, I don't think any woman does. I never set out to do this to myself or to feel so... stuck, hopeless, restless, listless. It's as if I don't know what to do with myself.
I work a part time job, live at home, and am not going to school currently. Part of me spends a lot of time wondering, if I was thinner and richer and more successful, would he then leave his wife for me? I realize with that train of thought I would be doing the right thing for ALL the wrong reasons.
I don't know. I just wanted someone who has "been there, done that" to listen to my story and understand what I am talking about.
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