Monday, August 1, 2011

Narcissism And The Cheating Married Man.

Sistahs
I recently told you about the pathological traits a cheating married man will display, as well as officially naming the "Three Types" of cheating-married-man. Today on the Pillow Talk Blog, I'm going to alert you to the narcissistic traits of the cheating-married-man, so read closely to save yourself valueable time, and, my stellar advice would be not just to walk away from this type of man, but to run from him!! We as women often can't help falling for the smooth-tongue of the well-practised narcissist, but by the time you've learned their true colours you're hooked, and probably hurt by this "N word" of a man!!

Promiscuity is a key behavioral sign of a narcissist, as they are always looking for the bigger better deal (BBD) - i.e. taking on a mistress or multiple sexual partners outside their marriage. And the more committed the narcissist feels his wife/partner is to him, the more willing and likely he will be to cheat. Usually because they feel they will be able to get away with it easily. (Wives, you need to come to my Wife School here, to know THE REAL signs to look for if your husband is cheating on you, as well as my proven tips on how to affair-proof your marriages.)

Narcissists often appear as charming men, making them attractive while allowing them to get away with some unsavory antics under the veil of having such a "charismatic air" about them. Narcissists, when on the prowl for an extra-marital affair, will usually attract women who crave drama (i.e. The Mistress, or The Mistress in Training, *MIT*) as well as the woman who is a care-taker, the one who thinks she can 'fix him' and erase his negative traits. They also like to go for the hottest women they can find, because they believe such women will be insecure and therefore the most susceptible to their manipulative tactics!!

The true narcissist will display traits such as vanity, entitlement and exploitativeness. They tend to talk loudly to emphasise their self-importance using great hand movements to back that up, and they are control freaks who tend to lose their charm when destabilized or threatened. They also like to belittle and ridicule others and they pick their vulnerable targets well. The narcissist will often argue and curse more than others, as well as using lots of sexual language. But hey, that's enough about Gordon Ramsay, the epitome of narcissism in the extreme. They also cannnot STAND criticism. This was proven to me once when I tried to gently tell Gordon that the food I had at his restuarant at the London Hotel in Hollywood was "kinda awful and the portions the size of cat food;" ....well my God did I get an ear full from him. Narcissists are insulted when told they are not brilliant.

Narcissistic-cheating-married-men on the prowl tend to have similar male friends, often called "Wingmen," (think David Beckham in Gordon Ramsay's case) with the same short term sexual strategies, meaning they can help each other in their quest to exploit women and find their prey for affairs or one-night stands.

So then ladies, if you are the Other Woman having an affair with a married man, the chances are he is a prize narcissist. Don't ever try to change him as he ENJOYS being one, but the more emotionally attached you get, the easier it will be for him to manipulate you, so as I first said above, don't walk, RUN!!
Wives, if you are married to a cheating husband, chances are you are married to the same type of prize narcissist that sends my girls over the edge and lands them at one of my Mistresses Anonymous support group meetings - proving what I always say, that wives and mistresses have so much more in common with each other than they ever realize. They are both in love with half of a married man who is lying to them, while he is getting the best out of two women. Come on ladies, wise up. Don't ever be in love with a man who loves himself more than you!

Hugs
Sarah J. x
*This blog posting was influenced and inspired by an excellent article I read in this month's "Psychology Today" magazine.*

41 comments:

Dorothy Parker said...

OMG Sara! You've described my AP almost exactly!

I'm just out of one of a two year affair with THE most manipulative man I have ever had the displeasure to know....These men appear to be so "kind" "good" and "decent; but they are very often the most devious and unsavoury characters there are. My AP also suddenly announced that he was a Christian, using his religion as a way to make me think he was was SOOOOOO good. He has really messed with my head over the last couple of years, but I'm relieved to be rid of him - and I'm NEVER going back!

Katie x
PS I wish you ran meetings and support groups here in Britain - WE NEED YOU! I've also just finished reading your book....wish I'd read it two years ago x

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog My MM narcissist lover (and co-worker) told me he loved me "now more than ever" during our 3 year affair; 2 weeks later he told me he wanted to sleep with a friend of mine (and fellow co-worker) and was going to take her to lunch to get to know her better. When I flipped, he ended it with me and was quite cruel. Fast forward a year - just found out that he is sleeping with another friend of mine (and yet another co-worker). I would love to run, but I like my job. Good thing I have a sense of humor! Thanks for all the bluntness!!

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous: That sounds awful, and I really feel for you. I found the emotional cruelty the most difficult thing to cope with....and the fact that he seemed to enjoy inflicting it on me, never giving a second thought to my feelings. He would spout on about being empathic, but he showed zero empathy towards me.

x

Anonymous said...

OMG! That entire descrip sounds exactly like the man I am with. Its been a over 4 years now and I do wish I had run as I am now tangled in this fine web and am afraid to take the leap. I've tried to go out with other men and none measure up to this one. I am an attractive, intelligent and successful woman and don't understand why it is that i just cant break free of this. Words of advice... run faster than the wind ladies, it may seem like a dream come true but its the entrance to a very bad place.

Anonymous said...

It took me 23 months to finally believe my MM was a narcissist... I loved him and gave him so much of my soul - the pain is incredible and I too wish I had run NUMEROUS times. He was perfect in the beginning, then very very slowly exposed his true self. I was brainwashed, controlled, manipulated, and robbed of any self-worth. I am an intelligent, beautiful, and loving woman who is now in severe depression. I know his wife is a doormat, and I know he will hurt countless women after me. I wish I could expose him for what he truly is so that no one else ever has to feel the pain I am feeling now... Thankfully, I have true friends who are trying to get me through this.

Anonymous said...

13 years! Yep. But it's over now. And I am angry. At first I wanted revenge because he ended it so cruelly, telling me he had another lover. And this is after, just six weeks ago, telling me that I'd always rock his world! Then, he kept saying it over and over again, and it occured to me - This man is a narcissist! 13 years, and I never saw it! I thought about telling his wife, but she doesn't deserve to be hurt. And anyway, it's probably hell to have to live with him - why should I stir things up? Oh well. Here I am. This is an awesome site! Never again for me! Nope! I am relieved more than anything. In the past I've cried so many tears over this man! Oh! I forgot to say - the reason he said he had to tell me about his "lover" was because he couldn't lie. Really?! You lie every day of your life! He said he didn't want to lie to her, but he wasn't going to tell her that I'd just visited him a few weeks ago - because "that would be disasterous!" Once I realized that he was a narcissist, everything made so much sense! I knew it wasn't me! He's the type 2 MM I just read about! What a perfect description!

Anonymous said...

I am a wife married to a serial cheater, narcissist. I am just now getting enough self confidence back to leave him. In addition to everything he has put me and my son through, he's hurt countless other women throughout our marriage, and I'm certain he's hurt many before me. Every woman he's dealt with is surprised at how callous and through he is when it no longer suits him. Amazingly, he has come back to me, and to all of them promising change, undying love, the moon and the stars. Almost every one has tried again with him, not once but many times, only to find out what a truly selfish jackass he is. I've learned a lot, but it was very painful and hard. If you don't get one other thing about a narcissistic man, get this: he doesn't love you, he doesn't love his wife. He loves himself, and it's only a matter of time before you will understand he's a professional user, and we are just resources. You won't get much back either. He will give a measured dose of whatever he thinks he has to in order to get what he wants, and then it's back to the game, my friends.

Anonymous said...

Geez give a brother a break!

This article is def about me

And as you say I enjoy what I am, and I'm great at it.
Why? Because women love it

Dont blame us. We only give you what attracts you most

You can't order chocolate cake and not expect calories

I will say only this in my defense.
I tell women I'm married early on
As far as I'm concerned that's my responsibility done
If they want to create a foolish fantasy after that
Well everyone is responsible for their own emotions
Can't say you weren't warned!

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I believe I may be on the verge of accepting the MIT title... I'm in a great relationship of three years with my boyfriend but recently got hired at a great company and good job to find my boss is making passes at me. He fits the Narcissit And MM description (oh he was in the army until he retired) but honestly his confidence and looks and upfront behavior is a turn on. He has verbally outlined an agreement with me with my input but i was wondering how common it is to be a MIT with a boyfriend about to embark an adventure with a MM? I feel as if me/MM will not be attached to each other since after work we go to our respective lives. Thoughts?

Anonymous said...

That last comment made perfect sense! If you play with snakes ladies, don't complain that you've been bitten.

Cathaleena said...

Please help me. My narc husband keeps leaving me to go back to past girlfriends then tells everyone I'm crazy. Then he is all nice to his new and past girlfriends. Sometimes I believe him that something is wrong with me that he couldn't love me just them In yet when he would get me back he would tell me I'm the only woman for him. Now he is back with one that he swore he wasn't cheating with. But, I knew he was seeing her again. It hurts! He was getting bored with me. He was so abusive to me and said everything was all my fault and I had too many emotional problems.
Cathie

Anonymous said...

If you cheated with him. Tell his wife, maybe its the proof she needs to get on with her life. She deserves happiness! Help her out.

Anonymous said...

So why get married if you are going to sleep around?

Anonymous said...

Thank you Sara for exposing the "Narcissistic" married or not "Monster" of a man.I met my "N" man went I was 14 and he was 17.This man took advantage of a child who didn't know anything about relationships.This one was a pedophile and find women who are younger then him.I ended up having two children for this monster and it's been hell.His whole family are "N" and all of them flatter people to get their way.I'm so happy he is out of my life,I thank "GOD" everyday for removing the "Devil"! They have no morals or boundaries and will do everything that is against "GOD"! There are so many of these "Snakes" out there destroying women lives.I'm so glad I found your blog,to know I'm not alone in this "madness" with a "N".

Anonymous said...

I had an awful experience with a married man which I regret very much . Towards the end I found out I was pregnant and he manipulated me in to an abortion that I didn't want to go through with . He left me on my own after to deal with it and even admitted he knew I didn't want to go through with it but didn't care . He since moved on to another woman , she has no idea what us in store for her . I spent months in counselling trying to figure it all out , these men should come with warning labels !

Anonymous said...

This site is great - I am really glad I found it. I was married to a "wonderful, devoted" man for 10 years, and recently discovered that he's been having an affair with his co-worker. It gets worse: he's been with others.

I have launched my own blog about my experiences and hope to help others who are with narcissistic socipaths.

http://malevolent-men.com/

-The Phoenix Rising

Anonymous said...

I want tohandle similar situation. Problem is I am emotionally attached and also want to teach him a lesson. Before I end this. Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

I tried to access your blog at http://malevolent-men.com but it is protected. It sounds like you are describing me - the co-worker. After 9 years I finally got out. I would very much like to read your blog if possible. I want to contact the wife and let her know that her suspicions were correct and she is not crazy or hysterical or imagining things. I'm so ashamed of myself, I don't know if I'll ever get over this self-loathing. I moved across the country to get away from him and he lured me back with promises and lies. Lots of promises and lies.

Anonymous said...

I would very much like to access the blog you mentioned: malevolent-men.com. I am the co-worker you describe - after 9 years and a move across the country I finally got out. Would it be possible to receive access?

Anonymous said...

Would it be possible to obtain access to your site http://malevolent-men.com? I feel like I may be the co-worker you're talking about. The affair I've been having is over but I know he is now with a different co-worker.

Fifty-Boy said...

you guys are too much! I love it, love it, love it... think its possible for a guy to be on the other end and have the narcisssus be a female, his wife? maybe, right? anyhow, thanks for the stimulating article and comments. so glad i found you.
jakefinn@gmail.com or you know i wrote a book about her:
fifty-boy.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...


I wanted to give you an update on my situation. On september14, 2011 I requested a binding love spell be cast on my boyfriend. His eyes roamed to any woman that passed us and it made me feel horrible. I am happy to report that a 2days after I requested the spell he proposed to me. We have been married for months now, we are expecting our first child in Nov. 2012 and he no longer has eyes for any other woman. I was greatly impressed with the fast results and the personal attention I was shown during the casting and beyond. Dr. Ekaka. you are really powerful ....i will advice you guys to contact him if you need any help.. ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

The only way to deal with it is to smile, get an imaginary immunity pass to his drama, to the jealous feelings, to the pain and insecurity, play his game and enjoy it! Spoil him, laugh and go on with your life. It can be done, just realize you are above it all and he is 'limited'. Remember that immunity pass! It means you don't ever have to feel any pain and you can let go at anytime as well as enjoy the good moments. No bad feelings, no anger, no loneliness, no neediness. That is all just you allowing manipulation in. WHo you are in love with is not that guy, but a projection of him. He is in fact much less amazing than you think and not worth it to worry about. Above all, don't let him manipulate you! Just be happy at all times and he will have no grip on you!

Anonymous said...

The only way to deal with it is to smile, get an imaginary immunity pass to his drama, to the jealous feelings, to the pain and insecurity, play his game and enjoy it! Spoil him, laugh and go on with your life. It can be done, just realize you are above it all and he is 'limited'. Remember that immunity pass! It means you don't ever have to feel any pain and you can let go at anytime as well as enjoy the good moments. No bad feelings, no anger, no loneliness, no neediness. That is all just you allowing manipulation in. WHo you are in love with is not that guy, but a projection of him. He is in fact much less amazing than you think and not worth it to worry about. Above all, don't let him manipulate you! Just be happy at all times and he will have no grip on you!

Anonymous said...

The affair I had with, let's call him Bill started on emails at work. He was someone I knew from a previous job. One day he came down to my cube to say hi, and the next thing I knew, I was receiving emails from him, and he gave me his work mobile phone number and told me to text him over the weekend, which I did not. The emails progressed to sexual innuendos which I encouraged, because I liked the attention. I left the job, and we shared a passionate kiss which lead to some sexual im's. When I returned to the job months later he was cold, and avoided me. Months later we slept together once. After that he treated me terribly. Oh, but he did take me out to lunch once to apologize, but I belive it was to make him feel better about himself. Yes, he is a narcissist, classic case of narcissistic personality disorder. I have the DSM-IV, as I have two Master degrees in Psychological Counseling from Columbia University. I don't talk to him anymore. Ladies, this is a man who said he lives for his kids, and that spouses are replaceable. I wonder how his wife would feel about that comment. I pity her, becasue I do believe I am not the only woman he has done this with. I am fine emotionally, and I won't make the same mistake twice. I advise you to steer clear from these men.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe all of the women that stay with married men for years. He is not going to leave his wife for you......I was in a relationship that was consummated once, and that was enough for me.

Anonymous said...

Do you know what my problem is with these comments? I truly believe if you have an affair with a married man then you deserve everything you get. Where's the sisterhood? Women go around complaining about men being liars and cheats but then knowingly sleep with married men. I am married to a narcissist and after him pursuing me, marrying me and putting me on a pedestal he was cheating after one year of marriage and showed his truly foul narcissistic self, selfish, emotionally abusive, indifferent and cruel. If it wasn't or women like you making it easy for them then these men couldn't cheat ( not saying the men are innocent). But it seems ridiculous to complain about these men and how decent they seemed in the beginning when they are cheating on their wives!!!! What is decent about that? And as for those of you who say their wives are doormats etc....who told you that? The cheating lying man you are with haha. My husband told me all of his ex's are psycho bitches.... But who is the common denominator..... He is! Wake up and learn to say no to married men!

Anonymous said...

Hello. I'm the mistress. Well technically he was my boyfriend and he cheated. We broke up, and he's seeing someone else. He's lured me back in 4 times (4 brief affairs, about 2 months at a time). I love him so much and all I want to do is make him happy. I want to take care of him. It's embarrassing. So I've left him again, and my question is: do I tell the girlfriend? She's caught us involved twice now, and will most certainly leave him if he's found out. Your post was so honest, it's the story of my life. Your advice is much appreciated.

dokan sam said...

Awesome post. I’ve been browsing online more than three hours today, but I by no means found any fascinating article like yours.
Unfaithful Partners

Anonymous said...

I'm the mistress too. But I am way too smarter than his wife. I found photos of various women in his phone and 2 he took with a sweet young thing. Btw, he's 46 and I'm 30. I also screen through his messages and found he had sex or oral sex with a 20 something...and it was the girl who initiated to provide the blow job. For my case, we went through a proper courtship although he's married. But to my horror.... he still try his luck to hit on women. Girl in the photo with him isn't the one I know he slept with.... I label him as a womanizer. Though I confronted him; he denied having any sexual relationship with this girl n cook up a story to say she's down with cancer. I am still with him. How can I break this chain... he's not only having affair with me. He sleeping with a sweet young thing but cont to hit on other women. He don't support me anyway. The only time we meet is just for sex. I'm very disappointed with myself for seeing him through and refused to accept the truth and cont being with him. In a fight he did briefly said something like why should I get jealous and all men are horny by nature. In a way, I reckon he admitted his crimes. I begin to envy his wife. Her ignorance cont to lead her living in a bliss.. I never wanna them to break up but at least I'm the last he's gonna have...

Anonymous said...

3 plus yrs. into my "relationship" w/a married narc man. I've known what he's been up to for 2 yrs. now. I'm a little hard-headed and stong willed, so I have been "forcing" his hand. Confronting him, calling him on his lies. For me, I want him to admit he's been "using" me. Yeah, yeah, not going to happen.

It's obvious to me that it is so, so important to him for him to maintain "face", importance & stance (read as "great guy") to his family, friends, community, employer & co-workers. I have so much hard eveidence of his extra activites. E-mails on sex sites, etc. What would happen if I sent copies of this activity to his family, friends co-workers? Oh and lets not forget about the other woman on the sex sites.

I know, revenge is non-productive. But my thoughts are....the guy will never ever stop unless he is outed.

Anonymous said...

I have been in love, for 4 yrs, with a man you just described down to a tea. These men first start with how miserable they are with their wives and how there is no intemicay in the marriage. They come across as needing help and love. So as caring women we feel we can give that. But they give that bull to evry woman they meet, it means nothing to them to lure you in, to feel you trust them and make you feel loved by them, until the nxt woman comes along and he' s off again. Leaving you behind feeeling the rejection, the hurt and the pain. I left my long term partner for such a man, uprooted my kids because i loved him so much. Now im just left with the emotional turmoil. I am at the stage were I should tell his wife, he shouldnt get away with hurting so many women, and i say many women because i know there have been many others. Its women he works with because he can minipulate them, he promises promtion and they fall for it. So much evil in men like that!!

Anonymous said...

I was the other woman and wives, you are right. We deserve what we get and we are the door matts, not you.
I was so stupid to let a careless one night dirty secret become anything more. I was excited by the secrecy (how immature and selfish) by his constant attention and strong pursuit which is so hard to resist...especially when you are alone and far away from home.
No one wins in these situations and even if he does leave his wife (which he did after he was caught) you can never feel like a decent woman again. My guilt and shame for breaking up a family is profound. I never thought I would be part of something so immoral.
Ladies, if you are attracted to a married man it's because you are missing something within yourself. That is a sign to pause and realize you have a decision to make. Honour yourself and get on track or learn the hard way like I did.
It's an ugly road.

Anonymous said...

I was the other woman who told his wife about his cheating on her, because he wouldnt leave me alone, all she said is what do you want me to do about it, he had already told her a lie sayin that I was annoying him, she acted an spoke the way he did when he would manipulate an belittle me, I couldnt believe her manner, they deserve each other me thinks...
just from me who has learnt a big lesson... am

Anonymous said...

Sarah,

I have a single male friend who is in an affair with a married woman. They claim they are not having sex, as she says that would be "crossing the line" so they secretly meet, text all day, and she even sleeps over at his house occaisionally...just sleep and cuddle LOL

Anyway, he claims they are both deeply in love....her husband is not meeting her emotional and physical needs, etc., but, after reading your article, I think SHE may be a narcissist here. She exhibits all the characteristics you talked about...she is completely manipulkating him. He is getting a bit frustrated that they are not having sex, once she realized that she's now pouring on the waterworks and saying she wants to be closer to him, that she is considering sex to make sure he's happy.

So my question is...can women be narcissists also?

Anonymous said...

Now I agree with that annonymous married man comment. He told these mistresses the truth and they CHOSE to stay. He didn't hold a gun to their heads. That fantasy relationship is yall doing NOT his so when u mistresses wanna blame someone for ur "situation" , remember..BLAME YOURSELVES!!!

Anonymous said...

Mistresses only want to tell the wives when they realize the MM never wanted them. Do the wives a favor and keep the affair to yourselves because be honest, you are only telling her to benefit you,not her. You didn't care how the wife felt when you sleep with her husband so why care now?

Anonymous said...


My "N" is leaving me for his co-worker, and i was told that he was leaving due to me not fulfilling my wifely duties. I have been constantly blamed for everything that went wrong in our marriage. I have known him for 14 years and married to him for almost 2 years. He tells his mistress that he loves her and can't wait to start a new family with her after only knowing this person for 9 months. Help!!! Im glad that i finally got enough courage to file divorce paperwork, because i know i cant change him. I hope the mistress gets everything that she deserves, since she pursued my husband knowing that he is married man. You are not alone ladies!!!

Anonymous said...

I was a mistress for about five years. I must disagree with the comment "Mistresses only want to tell the wives once they find out the MM never wanted them". Mistresses tell the wives after so much heart and time has been put into these manipulative MM. Once we're fed up with all the lies, and the MM is not meeting demands he need to make to keep the mistress happy. Yes all mistresses will tell. Matter of fact the MM I was involved with chased me for years. Once he got that opportunity to have me all to himself, he seemed as if he was lost. Actually, the only way I got out of this relationship was to tell the wife, and not him anymore.

hope said...


hello my name is Alex i am frm Washington have a story similar to your friend Clara. my wife of almost 3 years said the exact same thing, that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me, and after 10 days, moved out. We have a son together and that complicates things further. Luckily, I haven't been hysterical and freaking out like I normally would. I know that will only push her further away. my days of not seeing her it feels like absolute hell. she came back to get her stuff and to talk to me and she said she would still be there for me. I don't know if it was out of being truly genuine or because of our son. I truly love this woman, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her. and the biological factor is so true. we've had our ups and downs but when it came down to it, we always kissed and made up. I honestly don't know what happened, as far i was concerned i would do everything to bring her back to me.along the line i was happy for brigs which introduce me to a spell caster This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it templeoflove1@yahoo.com This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it men this temple is magical,good and sweet truly she is back to me she inside right now i was just ask to follow up some steps by the temple and 6 days later Gina come begin that she dint know what came over her,i accept her quickly for she is my hearth viewers in this blog should help me thank the grate temple.

hope said...

My name is lisa, from Montreal ,Canada. I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in Febuary this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is DR. CHECK he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 6 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend(now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. templeoflove1@yahoo.com